Prostitution may be the oldest profession, but men made war before money was invented to pay prostitutes.

So ladies, I’m going to tell you what he really wants – what will really work. You can say it’s sexist all you want, but I’m a pragmatist, and pragmatically speaking, all these by-women-for-women articles have more to do with women’s desires than men’s, so they just don’t work. If you really want to get him going, here’s what you do.

1. Go to the Gym

Fat isn’t sexy. The inability to walk up a hill without wheezing isn’t sexy. Being strong enough to push your man off his feet onto a couch so you can rip his pants off IS sexy.

2. Take a Pole Dancing Class

… or a belly-dancing class, or learn the dance of the seven veils. Most guys are not interested in taking ballroom dancing with you. Taking a dance class together is about your need for intimacy. He’s just bored and feeling silly. So if you want to dance, go learn to dance in a way he’ll find sexy. Then practice at home.

3. Welcome him Home in a French Maid Costume

Or a school-girl outfit. Or a prostitute costume. Or whatever get up you think he’ll like. You can always try several. Anything involving a short skirt, a corset and no underwear will probably do the job. Naked doesn’t work as well. You need to have something he can pull off you. That formal evening dress that you think makes you look good is not going to work. If he wants slutty, give him slutty.

4. Get a Boob Job

Unless you have D’s or bigger, getting breast augmentation will probably put him right over the moon. Even if you think he’s an ass man, even if he is an ass man, bigger breasts will help. Don’t believe me? Float it too him. Better, ask his best friend if you think it would make a good birthday present.

5. Bring a Friend

You know that friend of yours you’re convinced he’s fantasizing about? Instead of glaring at him every time you catch him staring, invite her over for a threesome. Even the suggestion will drive him bat-shit crazy with lust.

Disclaimer

These suggestions won’t work for every single guy, but at least one of them will work for most guys. The key to juicing your sex life is to temporarily forget about your fantasies and playing out his. After you’ve reinvigorated your relationship, then you can ask him to play to your fantasies.