As a political statement to assuage the so-called ‘muslim world,’ I suppose it’s not bad. Interpreted in the light of facts, history, and a rational, ethical perspective, however, and it’s overwhelmingly bullshit. Here are the 10 worst examples (in no particular order).

1. Tradition and progress

Obama: “For over a thousand years, Al-Azhar has stood as a beacon of Islamic learning; and for over acentury, Cairo University has been a source of Egypt’s advancement. And together, you represent the harmony between tradition and progress.” Then later: “There need not be contradictions between development and tradition. Countries like Japan and South Korea grew their economies enormously while maintaining distinct cultures.”

Why it’s bullshit: There is no harmony between tradition and progress. Tradition means ‘not changing’ and progress means ‘changing.’ When you ban gay marriage, you favor tradition. When you allow gay marriage, you favor progress. There’s no harmony. There can be compromise, but a compromise between tradition and progress is usually a compromise between a nonsensical position and justice.

2. Hostility to Islam

Obama: “the sweeping change brought by modernity and globalization led many Muslims to view the West as hostile to the traditions of Islam.” Later: “The attacks of September 11, 2001 and the continued efforts of these extremists to engage in violence against civilians has led some in my country to view Islam as inevitably hostile not only to America and Western countries, but also to human rights.”

Why it’s bullshit: First, Obama is implying that western hostility to Islam is somehow imagined. Walk around in Texas with a turban and a beard for a while and you’ll quickly find out how real it is. Second, many Islamic leaders ARE hostile toward human rights. That’s why Iran rejected the UDHR as a codification of western values.

3. Justice

Obama: “So long as our relationship is defined by our differences, we will empower those who sow hatred rather than peace, those who promote conflict rather than the cooperation that can help all of our people achieve justice and prosperity…I’ve come here to Cairo to seek a new beginning between the United States and Muslims around the world, one based on mutual interest and mutual respect, and one based upon the truth that America and Islam are not exclusive and need not be in competition. Instead, they overlap, and share common principles — principles of justice and progress; tolerance and the dignity of all human beings.”

Why it’s bullshit: Muslims, Christians and philosophers define justice differently. In Islam, justice is about satisfying the rules of the Koran. That’s why Saudi Arabia jails women for the horrible crime of having been raped. Real justice is based on physical and emotional harm, and on fairness. These two conceptions of justice are incommensurate.

Obama: “There’s one rule that lies at the heart of every religion — that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us.”

Why it’s bullshit: The golden rule is a nonsensical basis for ethics. It can be refuted with trivial examples: ‘If I were gay I would want people to try to cure me;’ or ‘I would love it if she pinned me down and had sex with me, so I’ll pin her down and have sex with her. She’s only screaming “no” to get me in the mood’

4. Tolerance

Obama: “And throughout history, Islam has demonstrated through words and deeds the possibilities of religious tolerance and racial equality.”

Why it’s bullshit: Deeds like stoning people who wish to convert to a different religion.

Obama: “The Holy Koran teaches that whoever kills an innocent is as — it is as if he has killed all
mankind.”

Why it’s bullshit: In the “Holy Koran” an “innocent” is a muslim innocent. See Surah 9:121: “Believers, make war on the infidels who dwell around you. Deal firmly with them.”

Obama: “Islam has a proud tradition of tolerance”

Why it’s bullshit: You do know that homosexuality is a crime in Iran and Saudi Arabia, right?

“We can’t disguise hostility towards any religion behind the pretense of liberalism.”

Why it’s bullshit: Hostility toward religions is an inescapable logical consequence of a human-rights-based view of ethics. Religions institutionalize human rights violations, especially around freedom from discrimination. It’s not a “pretense of liberalism.” It’s a direct result of the bigotry, misogyny, and evil motherfuckery enshrined in the Abrahamic religions.

5. Freedom of religion

“freedom in America is indivisible from the freedom to practice one’s religion” later: “Freedom of religion is central to the ability of peoples to live together.”

Why it’s bullshit: Freedom of religion is a contradiction in terms.

6. Atheists Beware

Obama: “And I believe that America holds within her the truth that regardless of race, religion, or station in life, all of us share common aspirations — to live in peace and security; to get an education and to work with dignity; to love our families, our communities, and our God. These things we share.
This is the hope of all humanity.”

Why it’s bullshit: This american-centric proselytizing if I ever heard it. These are not everyone’s aspirations, and certainly not mine. Not everyone has a family to love. Not everyone wants an education. Not everyone wants to work. And not everyone has a god.

Obama: “when the Holy Land of the three great faiths is the place of peace that God intended it to be; when Jerusalem is a secure and lasting home for Jews and Christians and Muslims, and a place for all of the children of Abraham to mingle peacefully together as in the story of Isra — (applause) — as in the story of Isra, when Moses, Jesus, and Mohammed, peace be upon them, joined in prayer.” Later: “The people of the world can live together in peace. We know that is God’s vision”

Why it’s bullshit: Take your faith and your god and your prayers and plant them in your ass where they belong. The sooner we stop brainwashing our children with this anti-rational nonsense, the sooner people will stop killing each other.

Obama: “The Holy Koran tells us: “O mankind! We have created you male and a female; and we
have made you into nations and tribes so that you may know one another.”
The Talmud tells us: “The whole of the Torah is for the purpose of promoting peace.”
The Holy Bible tells us: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of
God.”

Why it’s bullshit: The funny thing about holy books is, they’re so big you can cherry-pick whatever you want from them. For Example:

The Holy Koran tells us: “Forbidden to you are…married women, except those you own as slaves.” (Surah 4:20-, 24-)
The Talmud tells us: “If a heathen (gentile) hits a Jew, the gentile must be killed.” (Sanhedrin 58b)
The Holy Bible tells us: “How blessed will be the one who seizes and dashes your little ones against the rock,” (Psalms 137:9).

7. Nukes

Obama: “When one nation pursues a nuclear weapon, the risk of nuclear attack rises for all nations.”

Obama: “But it is clear to all concerned that when it comes to nuclear weapons, we have reached a decisive point. This is not simply about America’s interests. It’s about preventing a nuclear arms race in the Middle East that could lead this region and the world down a hugely dangerous path.”

Obama: “I strongly reaffirmed America’s commitment to seek a world in which no nations hold nuclear weapons. ”

Why it’s bullshit: All of these quotes reveal the central hypocrisy of American nuclear weapons policy – ‘it’s ok for us to have nukes, but not you, and we want nuclear disarmament, as long as everyone else disarms first.’ This is based on the fundamentally racist, ethnocentric assumption that the US is more trustworthy than any other nation. The primary reason to seek a nuclear arsenal in the modern age is to deter American invasion.

8. War

“The situation in Afghanistan demonstrates America’s goals, and our need to work together. Over seven years ago, the United States pursued al Qaeda and the Taliban with broad international support. We did not go by choice; we went because of necessity.”

Why it’s bullshit: you did not go by choice? WTF? Of course there was a choice! You could have just, you know, stayed home and focus on intelligence gathering instead of warmongering. You could have done black ops instead of overt war. You could have used diplomacy and negotiation to broker a deal with the existing Afghani government. No choice my ass!

Obama: “And yet al Qaeda chose to ruthlessly murder these people, claimed credit for the attack, and even now states their determination to kill on a massive scale.”

Why it’s bullshit: Then the US ruthlessly murdered over 100 000 Iraqis, claimed credit, and now states it’s determination to keep on killing in Afghanistan. To be fair, Obama says he wants to leave Afghanistan, but to be more fair, it’s all just talk. If he wanted to leave, he’d order troops home, not order more troops to go.

Obama: “We do not want to keep our troops in Afghanistan. We see no military — we seek no military bases there” later: “I have made it clear to the Iraqi people that we pursue no bases”

Why it’s bullshit: You seen the Iraqi embassy? Looks like a military base to me…

Obama: “the Iraqi people are ultimately better off without the tyranny of Saddam Hussein”

Why it’s bullshit: You mean, the one’s who survived? There are more than 650 000 dead Iraqis who might beg to differ.

9. Torture and the Rule of Law

Obama: “I have unequivocally prohibited the use of torture by the United States, and I have ordered the prison at Guantanamo Bay closed by early next year. (Applause.) So America will defend itself, respectful of the sovereignty of nations and the rule of law.”

Why it’s bullshit: This is nonsense. Obama has essentially provided all of the american war criminals who approved, ordered and conducted the torture with full amnesty, and proposed a new policy of indefinite detention in American prisons. It’s not gitmo that matters. Gitmo is just a bunch of buildings. What matters is that the U.S. is officially holding prisoners without trial and obstructing the prosecution of war criminals. The rule of law is the maxim that decisions should be made based on the law rather than relying on arbitrary governance. Indefinite detention programs and protecting war criminals for political reasons is the very antithesis of the rule of law!

10. Israel and Palestine

Obama: “So let there be no doubt: The situation for the Palestinian people is intolerable. And America will not turn our backs on the legitimate Palestinian aspiration for dignity, opportunity, and a state of their own.”

Obama: “Palestinians must abandon violence. Resistance through violence and killing is wrong
and it does not succeed.”

Obama: “The Palestinian Authority must develop its capacity to govern, with institutions that serve the needs of its people.”

Why it’s bullshit: This is all meaningless talk. The U.S. gives $3 Billion a year to Israel and brands the leaders of Palestine ‘a terrorist organization.’ If Obama really wanted peace in the region, he could just withhold Israel’s funding until a deal had been reached, or give half of it to the Palestinians to encourage economic development in the region.

Random stupid comments

Obama: “Given our interdependence, any world order that elevates one nation or group of people over another will inevitably fail”

This is meaningless. There’s never been a world order. All large empires in history have failed, or still exist in some form, and can be expected to fail eventually. All large empires have elevated some groups and persecuted others.

Obama: “We are shaped by every culture, drawn from every end of the Earth, and dedicated to a
simple concept: E pluribus unum — “Out of many, one.””

But socialism is somehow evil in America

Obama: “the same Holy Koran that one of our Founding Fathers — Thomas Jefferson — kept in his personal library.”

Obama is implying that Jefferson had great respect for Islam. This is the guy who said “In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own.” More good Jefferson anti-religion quotes here.

Obama: “I made clear that America is not — and never will be — at war with Islam.”

So he can see the future now?

Obama: “And we will welcome all elected, peaceful governments”

If the rest of the world said the same, the US would be distinctly unwelcome. This is more ethnocentrism – ‘when we go to war, it’s for a good reason. Other wars are stupid.’

Obama: “And we will match promising Muslim students with internships in America;”

Setting up scholarships on the basis of religion is a violation of basic human rights, specifically freedom from discrimination based on religion. And don’t give me any affirmative action bullshit. The most persecuted belief system in the US is Atheism, not Islam.

Obama: “create a new online network, so a young person in Kansas can communicate instantly with a young person in Cairo. ”

It’s called email, dipshit.

Obama: “The dream of opportunity for all people has not come true for everyone in America, but its promise exists for all who come to our shores — and that includes nearly 7 million American Muslims in our country today who, by the way, enjoy incomes and educational levels that are higher than the American average.”

This is called selection bias. The US only lets in Muslims if they are particularly intelligent, well educated, and capable of supra-normal contributions to society. The fact that they do better than average is an indicator of racist immigration practices, not enhanced opportunity.

Conclusion

Free thinking people everywhere, beware. Obama is not the American Messiah. He’s another corporatist, religious whack-job tyrant. He’s no more pushing a liberal agenda than I am pushing a religious one. Atheists, liberals, environmentalists – if you’re relying on this asshole, you’re fucked.

1. Christians actually think Jesus was born in winter – half them don’t realize that Christmas was set to Dec. 25th to coincide with pagan winter solstice celebrations.

2. People eat like crazy and the gyms are closed.

3. If church and state are separate, why do businesses have to close on just the Christian holidays? Either close for all major religious holidays, or none.

4. Rampant deforestation so snot-nosed brats can hang bobbles on a tree… then later yank them off and break them.

5. Relatives who don’t understand that being a minimalist means you don’t want physically enormous presents that won’t fit in your apartment, let alone suitcase.

6. People who feel the need to buy you something, but don’t feel the need to get to know you well enough that they can choose something you will like.

7. Maxed out air travel and snowstorms don’t mix.

8. My relatives’ ill-behaved children.

9. Resisting the urge to tell off my relatives for being terrible parents.

10. Eight family dinners in seven days will drive anyone nuts.

11. Being thought a controlling douchebag for reminding your diabetic cousin to lay off the candy canes before he goes into a coma.

12. Saying grace. Give me a fucking break. I am not Christian. Stop pushing your religious bullshit on me.

13. Going to cliquey Christmas parties where only half a dozen people will actually talk to you.

14. People who act like dicks 364 days a year and then suddenly expect you to be nice to them “because it’s Christmas!”

15. The electricity wasted on christmas lights.

16. Various uncles hitting on my girlfriends (not this year for a change).

17. Having to resist the urge to smack the living shit out of my ignorant, redneck, pro-war, homophobic, american asshole uncle so my grandfather doesn’t have a stroke.

18. Listening to the guy who won’t even go to Christmas dinner bitch about the guy who only goes for an hour.

19. Having to wait in line to return useless gifts (because I’ll have to fly back before the lines dissipate) only to be told that the store only takes exchanges, despite the fact that there’s not a damn thing there to buy that’s worth the paper its tags are printed on.

20. Having to try to explain what doing a PhD is like, and why it’s important, to people who never finished high school.

21. Listening to parents try to bullshit their children into behaving by saying Santa Claus won’t bring them anything. For fucksake, you don’t think the kids will figure out that if the worst little bastard in kindergarten doesn’t get coal, neither will they?

22. A month of Christmas music

23. Tacky decorations everywhere you look.

24. Gag gifts. What, this cost $20? I think the joke is on you, asshole.

25. Carolers. Fuck them. Fuck them with a scented candle and a bottle of eggnog.

Related Articles:
The 10 Commandments of Everyday Minimalism

Wait, what? Who was it that said ‘God helps those who help themselves?’ I suppose that self-preservation doesn’t apply to the stock market, though, so Cindy Jacobs, after having a vision where God spoke to her (see: LSD) and told her to call his folks together to pray for the economy, did just that. She organized a Day of Prayer for the World’s Economies, and the group converged on Wall Street yesterday afternoon.

Now, the silliness of praying to mythological figures to fix the economy aside, here’s the best part. This is where they met:

You got it, folks. These Bible beaters met at a big-ass statue of a bull in the middle of the world’s financial headquarters… to pray for the economy. Now, I’m an atheist, but I’ve perused the Bible a time or two. Does anybody else remember that one minor scene, where Moses is just getting back from dropping a bunch of mushrooms and talking to God for a while? To make a long story short, he found the Israelites worshipping the statue of a golden calf, and got so pissed off he smashed the stone tablets that God apparently wrote the Ten Commandments on. On a sidenote, why can’t God just use papyrus like everyone else?

I mean, were Cindy Jacobs and her entire loyal flock of morons asleep during Sunday school? This is one of the most-referenced passages in the Bible, and these neanderthals don’t even see the symbolism of praying in front of a big golden bull? Well, I’ve decided to do a little praying of my own, just in case God does exist (boy, won’t I feel stupid if he does?).

I’ve decided to pray that Cindy “The Illiterate Bible Scholar” Jacobs and anybody who takes her seriously never reproduce, and I’m doing it in front of this statue:

Why this statue? Because if God can’t take care of idiot Christians, lions damn sure can.

1. Santa Claus leaves me something tangible every year.

Every day, you see people praying. At football games, City Council meetings, in redneck-ass schools in the backwoods, they stand, heads bowed in prayer, just begging God to give them something. It must suck to have to do so much work and then get nothing. It’s even worse for the poor Catholics, who not only have to keep their heads bowed so much they end up with a curved spine, but also get bad knees from so much up-and-down.

Recently, some folks that are a lot smarter than me did a study on the effect prayer has on people who undergo heart surgery. You’ll never guess what the results were. Alright, so maybe you can guess the results. They were… pretty much nothing. You got it, prayer doesn’t do a damn thing.

Being a good boy, however, yields all kinds of results! Remember the kickass set of Legos you got as a kid for promising to never beat your sister with a tire iron again? Thank Santa for that. I mean, all Santa requires is that you aren’t a complete asshole, and you get something from him!

l. to r. what Santa gives you vs. what God gives you.

Hell, even if you are a complete asshole, usually he still tosses some pretty cool shit your way. I don’t remember a single year where I wasn’t a dick; I also don’t remember a single Christmas where Santa didn’t bring me something kickass.

2. Santa was a historical figure.

If there’s better evidence that Santa exists and God does not, I don’t know what it is. There are a lot of folks who contributed to the figure of Santa Claus, but the primary one (and where he gets the shitty moniker of Jolly Old Saint Nick) is a guy named Saint Nicholas of Myra, who had a reputation for secretly giving people gifts, a trait now only common in child molestors.

St. Nicholas, looking a lot like a meth addict.

God, however, is never described as a person. He’s just some vague-ass concept. Xtians like to give the convenient excuse that he’s so vast and incomprehensible he just cannot be described. While that must be useful to God when someone’s trying to give a police report on him, it’s not very fucking useful to me. If I’m going to believe in something, I need to at least have some damn idea of what it looks like. I mean, if a car salesman tried that pitch on me I’d probably kick him in the ear until his brains were like so much scrambled gray pudding. The conversation would go something like this:

Salesman: Man, this car kicks so much ass, I can’t even describe how fucking awesome it is.

Me: How much horsepower does it have?

Salesman: Dude, it’s got so much horsepower, I can’t even tell you how much it has.

Me: ….so can I see it?

Salesman: Well, um, it’s so awesome looking the human brain and eyes can’t even process it, so no.

Me: *boot to the head*

3. God is omnipotent, but Santa keeps a list, just like the rest of us.

God is apparently both an omnipotent and an omniscient being. For those of you who failed at life, omnipotent means all-powerful. Omniscient is all-knowing. There’s obviously not some all-powerful being out in the universe who created us to amuse him, or we’d all be fucked.

I was all-powerful to about 400 billion toy soldiers, and fuck floods, I melted their faces off with the sun.

If there was some all-powerful ghost in the sky, do you really think Hurricane Katrina is the worst thing he’d send after us? A hole in the o-zone layer? More like a giant magnifying glass in the sky. That’s how an all-powerful being entertains himself with mortals.

Santa, however, is neither all-powerful nor all-knowing. I know this because he has to keep a list just like the rest of us losers. What do you do when you go shopping? You either keep a list, or you forget everything except the Funyuns and beer and get chewed out by your girlfriend when you get home. I like Santa’s naughty-or-nice list because I can relate to it. There’s no fucking way I could remember everyone in the world, let alone which ones were assholes this year.

Conclusion

See? Fuck agnosticism. God is ridiculous - any concept of it. I mean, you don’t believe in unicorns, right? The Easter bunny? There’s no evidence for them, that’s why; belief in these things requires faith. Even Bigfoot has a video of himself, but I bet you laughed when those idiots in Georgia thought their Halloween costume was a Sasquatch. That’s why I’m a total atheist – screw all that superstitious bull. Now, I’ve got to go throw salt over my shoulder and head to a global warming rally, avoiding a ladder and my neighbor’s cat along the way.

A Theist is a person who believes that one or more gods exist. Christians are theists with respect to the Christian God.

An Atheist is a person who believes that one or more gods does not exist. Richard Dawkins is an atheist with respect to the Christian God.

Now here’s where it gets whacky. Most people think that you’re either religious or you’re an atheist. Atheism is not a dogma the way religions are. Theism, atheism and agnosticism are god-specific positions. Since theists do not agree on the nature of the god they believe in, you can be atheist with respect to one god, a theist with respect to another god and agnostic with respect to third god. Christians are atheists with respect to the Muslim god and vice versa.

Personally, I am an empiricist, which means I form beliefs based on evidence. I do not believe in any particular god because there is no evidence that one exists. Many people say that there is no evidence against the existence of god either, but this is only half right. It depends what god we’re talking about.

Suppose someone believes in a god that interferes with our world based on prayers. If we study people praying for things, we find that there is little or no correlation between praying and getting. Lots of basically good people pray for things and don’t get them; lots of other people don’t pray for things and do get them instead. I am an atheist with respect to this God because we have evidence against this god.

Suppose someone believes in a god that simply created our universe and then sat back and watched. There is no evidence either way with respect to this god; in fact, this god is a purely metaphysical (not empirical) subject. Therefore, I am agnostic with respect to this god. That is, I have no idea whether this god exists – I hold no belief one way or another.

This way of thinking implies that virtually everyone is both an atheist and an agnostic, depending on what god we’re referring to at the time. If you are absolutely convinced that no god of any kind could possibly exist (including the kind that just sits and watches) you’re being just as silly as the people who are convinced that the god they pray too answers by changing their world. That’s not atheism, that’s just a kind of religion we don’t have a name for yet. But we do have a name for people who strongly believe in anything for which they have no evidence: Brainwashed.

I am well aware that most people don’t see it this way, but I find it useful.

1. You’ll have longer vacations… in MALLORCA.

One of my friends recently went on a vacation. She drove to Fredericksburg, Texas. You know where Fredericksburg is? Me either, because it sucks. Meanwhile, my friends in Germany get to take kickass vacations to Hungary and Mallorca.

Not only that, but they get to take those kickass vacations for longer. I don’t know about you, but I’d like longer vacations in Mallorca. Or maybe France. Hell, anywhere but Fredericksburg, Texas.

2. Your food will be better, but you won’t be fat.

Let’s face it, American food is terrible. The only reason you can stand the vile taste of a Big Mac is because you probably haven’t had frikadellen, or a delicious doner kebap.

Doner kebap – the most awesome Turkish food that they sell on every damn street corner in Europe.

Not only is the food awesome, but you won’t get fat eating it, either. America is the fattest country in the world, and our food doesn’t even taste very good. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather eat refried camel nuts than a hot dog.

3. You’ll have a much better chance of being on equal footing with your neighbors.

Income is distributed much more evenly in many developed nations than here in the USA. Here, the top one percent of the nation hold nearly 40 percent of the nation’s wealth. Meanwhile, other countries in Europe (as well as Canada) tend to have more even pay – in other words, you won’t drive through some grimy ghetto full of poor people, turn a corner, and run into Al Gore’s mansion. Just check out this list. Now, I realize all you die-hard free market capitalists probably don’t think this is a good thing, but you’re wrong. Get over it.

4. Europe will kick you out for being too damn religious.

Alright, so I realize I already covered the lack of strong religious beliefs in Europe, but just to get the point across, consider the fact that France has actually barred someone from entering their country because she was too damn religious. Meanwhile, my sister’s Darwin fish got her car keyed in the Bible belt. If only we could kick the Baptists out of this country, we might be alright. Added benefit: less incest.

5. You’ll be a happier person!

What better way to judge a country than by how happy its citizens are? The World Map of Happiness is an attempt by British researchers to assess just how happy people are around the world. They’ve found that happiness is contingent on a few things – the level of people below the poverty line, the prevalence of disease, whether healthcare is nationalized and available, etc. Another interesting note is that the study was done as a result of a national sentiment in England that the government should be just as concerned with creating happiness as wealth.

The USA falls farther down the list than most Americans would believe, trailing behind many of the socialized Scandinavian nations, Canada – hell, even the United Arab Emirates. I never thought I’d say this, but boy, I’d love to be as happy as those cats in the UAE.

Conclusion

One should keep in mind that the USA may not be at the bottom of the list on all these items. Sure, we might fare a little better on the Map of Happiness than Germany because of severe immigration problems; yes, we may have lower gas prices than Europe or Canada; absolutely, Denmark has a higher crime rate than we do. But taken altogether, America’s ranking on the ten items discussed in this and last week’s post is pretty dismal. If you live in a crappy house, you move out when you can; why do we treat which country we choose to live in any different?

Does this mean you should just up and ditch America if you truly love the country of your birth? No. But it does mean we should strive as a nation to make it better. Until America stands up and, like Britain’s people did, demand that their government start worrying about Gross Domestic Well-being as well as Gross Domestic Product, the grass truly will always be greener on the other side.

So if you’re patient, and tenacious, and willing to rally the nation behind you, I commend you. Stick it out and make this place suck just a little bit less. Me? I’m not very patient, so I think I might just bail, instead.

1. You’re less likely to be robbed, raped, beaten or shot.

Generally speaking, other developed nations have lower crime rates than we do, according to UN crime rate statistics. The United Kingdom, Denmark, and Finland are exceptions (as well as a host of crappy undeveloped nations) – these countries do have higher crime rates than the United States. Don’t worry, though, there’s still plenty of places that offer a safe alternative – most of the EU, for instance, or Canada, our friendly neighbors to the north. Hell, you could even move to Yemen or Russia if you’re just looking for a lower crime rate.

2. You won’t feel the gas crunch nearly as much.

I’ve already discussed in previous posts how other countries are not affected nearly as much as we are by the rising cost of gasoline. Sure, they pay even higher prices than we do at the pump; that’s why the first thing you do when you move is sell the damn car! Though there are big parts of Canada where this doesn’t hold true, chances are if you head across the big lake to Europe, you’ll find you don’t even need a car. In fact, in many cases, it’s a bigger inconvenience than it is a boon. It’s easier to take the incredibly efficient public transit, or even hop on a bicycle for the scenic route. Most countries in Europe are scooter-friendly, too, so you can look dorky but save a ton of money on gas by putting around on a Vespa. Imagine all the cash you could save right now if you could just stop taking your car to work – personally, I’d pocket an extra $160 a month, and I live within five miles of my job. Unfortunately, it’s only a dream for many living outside the major metropolises in the United States.

3. You won’t face the burden of listening to people talk about their faith.

Alright, so this is more of a personal benefit for rational atheists like myself. Being an atheist in Europe is pretty nice. Very rarely will a European confront you about faith. You won’t have some Bible-beater blaring a megaphone in your ear while you’re having a beer at Oktoberfest in Munich. Ask the Naked Cowboy if you can say the same about Bourbon Street.

However, the benefits of a secular state don’t just affect nonbelievers. Our very own founding fathers knew the wisdom of keeping church and state separate, though in practice they did not do a perfect job of implementing it. It prevents discrimination against both believers and nonbelievers; it does not allow the rights of one group of believers to take precedence over another group. Unfortunately, faith has become a major factor in U.S. elections. It’s doubtful a presidential candidate who did not profess Christianity could win any time in the foreseeable future.

Ironically, many EU nations to which you might expatriate do not have the same clause about separation of church and state which we follow in the United States. They’ve just managed to collectively not give a shit about religion for long enough that the same religious apathy has leaked into their public policy making.

4. Castles kick ass.

Let’s face it: the scenery matters. This is the reason I’m thinking Europe > Canada, assuming this whole Russo-Georgian conflict dies down in the near future. Castles seriously rock, and it would behoove you to live near one so you can see how awesome they are.

Ronneburg Castle, Hessen, Germany. It has a catapult on the other side, just in case you question how much ass it kicks.

5. You’ll live longer.

As if castles and a lower crime rate aren’t awesome enough reasons to leave America, there’s the higher life expectancy the United Nations report in many other countries. Canada, the UK, the EU – all have higher life expectancies. Meanwhile, the United States falls at number 38 on the list – just below Cuba and just above the bustling nation of Portugal. Seriously, people, Cuba does better than us on keeping people alive?

We can argue about the benefits of socialized medicine all we want to, rehashing every argument Michael Moore or Ronald Reagan could drum up for or against it, but the fact remains that folks tend to live longer in all those evil socialist countries to which conservatives so fervently wish to ship all us libs. Even if every perceived evil of socialized medicine is true, they’re still doing their job better than we are, if you consider that job keeping folks’ tickers ticking for longer.

Conclusion

Originally, I’d intended to keep this list down to five good reasons. Unfortunately for any American nationalists reading this, I came up with a lot more than five reasons, so we’ll save the next five for next week. Let’s just hope the Bush croneys don’t ship me off to Gitmo before I get around to posting them.

This latest bit of nonsense is called Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, and features Stein interviewing a host of supposed academics and scientists, disgruntled because they are ostracized from academics because of their belief in a concept called ‘intelligent design,’ which, despite its name, is a theory featuring very little intelligence. Theatres showing the film are scarce (thankfully), so I have yet to see the documentary, but that’s not my concern for this week. My concern is intelligent design, and this notion that Stein and his fans have that this is somehow a valid theory worthy of merit or even consideration, when the truth is, the so-called academics who believe in it should be ostracized and laughed at. Let’s look at this ‘theory’ a little closer.

Intelligent Design vs. Evolution
Intelligent design is the belief that the development of life on Earth was guided by some intelligent being, rather than being governed by the random processes of inheritance, mutation, and natural selection. It is based strongly in a belief that god, or some incarnation of it, created the universe and has guided the development of mankind and, indeed, all species of animal on Earth. This is in opposition with the currently accepted theory of species development: neo-Darwinian evolution.

I’m going to go ahead and dumb this down, so you biologists out there, just keep quiet as I put things in layman’s terms. To the neo-Darwinian scientists, things happen something like this: cells randomly mutate all the time. Sometimes those mutations end up favorable to the life-form (i.e. beans gaining a resistance to a certain bug), and thus that life-form is able to reproduce more offspring and pass on that trait. In the same way, organisms which develop unfavorable mutations die out before they can reproduce, thus killing those bad genes off.

Theory vs. Bullshit
Neo-Darwinian evolution is what one calls a scientific ‘theory.’ Now, in common lingo, a theory can be just about any conjecture or opinion. In science, however, a theory is a testable prediction of natural phenomenon based on observable facts.

Neo-Darwinian evolution, for instance, is a theory to predict how new life-forms develop from old ones, based on facts from the fossil record and much of the work done in genetics and geological research. It is testable by looking at the fossils of connected species, and in fact, some of the more extraordinary research being done actually shows the evolution of quick-growing bacteria in action.

Here’s where we get to the big pile of smelly bullshit: intelligent design. Proponents of this theory say there’s nothing to explain where life began, and they argue that there are too many coincidences and improbabilities for evolution to occur randomly. While it is true that we have little evidence supporting any theories of how life began, deifying our own ignorance and calling it ‘god’ is not a scientific solution.

Intelligent design proponents try to replace all that is unknown with some vague deity. This does not create a valid scientific theory. This is superstition masked as science; theology pretending to be biology. God cannot be tested, seen, heard, or even smelled. To the scientist, it does not exist, as there is absolutely no evidence to support its existence.

Expelled for no Intelligence
Stein’s documentary makes the argument that academics who subscribe to intelligent design have been unfairly treated: ridiculed, not taken seriously, and even fired. I argue that they were treated fairly; they were laughed at as academics for believing in superstition.

The biologist who argues, despite all evidence to the contrary, that leprechauns are real would be laughed at. He would be ridiculed out of any legitimate conference. Why is intelligent design somehow worthy of merit, despite its basis in myth and superstition? If belief in intelligent design is accepted as science, we may as well begin teaching classes on dragons, proposing theories about the evolution of unicorns, and offering majors in Chupacabra Studies.

So, for those of you fooled by Stein’s documentary, just keep in mind what a theory is in science. Don’t accept this unfalsifiable nonsense as fact, for there is no intelligence in intelligent design. See it for what it is: superstition masquerading as biology.

This theory hinges on a few concepts I’ll discuss: moral relativism, the subjective nature of human life, and the flawed philosophy of Plato.

The Problem with Plato
Let’s start with the groundwork. For those of you unfamiliar with Platonic idealism, here’s the real short version: Plato believed that there was an objective reality out there, and truth is an accurate representation of this objective reality. Now, this sounds good – it’s easy to digest, and wraps everything up in a happy black and white picture. If reality is objective, then good is good, bad is bad, and ugly is ugly.

There are, however, some serious problems with Plato. Richard Rorty, a postmodern philosopher, argues in Contingency, Irony and Solidarity that big-T Truth is a problem because man interprets everything through language. Don’t buy it? How are your thoughts organized? BINGO! Language. Language is seen by Rorty as nothing but a series of metaphors; the word tree is not, in fact, a tree, but merely a verbal image representing a tree. He thus comes to the conclusion that language must be subjective, since we all have slightly differing interpretations of these metaphors. You may see an oak tree, while I envision a pine tree, for instance. Rorty and other postmodernists believe, rather than in Truth, in truths. To the postmodern philosophers, there is no objective reality – or, rather, mankind can never find objective reality because we are limited by the subjectivity of the language with which we interpret the world. This leads to some interesting concepts regarding morality…

Moral Relativism
Moral relativism is a concept espoused by existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre, who believed a human being’s morals are subjective and based on cultural and societal norms rather than some objective morality given to us by God. This hinges on the above-expressed idea that reality itself is subjective, of course. Moral relativists often argue that someone’s morality is only applicable within their own culture, and can’t be applied to other, conflicting cultures. There are some problems with this theory as well; moral relativism implies that we can each create our own morals, and since we each create our own moral code, no one is immoral. I tend to subscribe to a more practical view: morals are socially constructed. Individual cultures come to a consensus of what is considered immoral.

Conclusion
“So what the heck is your point, Riley?” you might be asking. My point is, atheists are perfectly able to be moral, righteous individuals. If morals are relative to the culture, my morality is based on the same Western ideals as the morality of any Christian. The idea that an atheist cannot be moral is based on a concept I just don’t buy into: that we have some Truth handed down to us by a nonexistent God.

Kavan pointed out in an earlier article that the Ten Commandments are missing some very important rules; for instance, rape is wrong, despite not being in the Ten Commandments. I think we can all agree that a rapist is not a moral individual; where does this come from, if the Bible does not command it as part of your moral foundation? It’s because rape is damaging to society, and thus goes against our collective, cultural moral foundation.

Now here’s the leap: atheism and moral relativism actually breed more tolerance than mainstream, Christian ideology. Christians’ belief that morals and Truth are handed down by God (not any god, but their God), has led many (not all) Christians to believe those of other belief systems are wrong, going to hell, and generally bad and immoral people. Because I do not follow the Word of God, I must be an immoral person. Worse than individual persecution, religious morality breeds systemic intolerance.

Ex.:The Bible says in Leviticus 20:13, “And if a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.” There are vast armies of Christians who argue that this is the way we actually ought to treat homosexuality. Because their religion is a system of rules given to them by a divine, infallible Creator, His words make it okay to persecute and even put to death those who go against His divine morality.

Moral relativism and a belief that the world itself is subjective allows one to gain a better appreciation for why other cultures do the things they do, and allows for a more tolerant view of them. That being said, this problem is not unique to Christianity – this kind of superiority complex is pervasive in almost all organized religions. Each one thinks they have the Ultimate Truth, and the others are all wrong.

Not to sound too much like a Beatles song, but imagine if people worldwide accepted the notion that morality is a societal invention. Since it is no longer something given to us by some infallible source, and is, in fact, a creation of mankind, the other religions of the world are no longer immoral and wrong. They’ve just got a different view of the truth. After all, they’re all shooting for the same target, right? “Do unto others…”