Dear Air Canada,

I fly Air Canada only when no other airline is available. I’ll pay more for tickets on Westjet, or just about any international carrier to avoid Air Canada. Unfortunately, I recently had the bad luck to get stuck with some flights operated by Air Canada when booking with Lufthansa. It’s as if Air Canada employs customer service reduction specialists who sit around dreaming up new ways to make my life miserable. Here are some examples from this most recent trip.

1. Seats

Why is it that your seats are concave when the human spine is convex? Ever hear of ergonomics? Why is there a ridge, that is supposed to be where your neck is? Have you not realized that people come in different heights? For anyone over 5’10″ tall, said ridge pushes on your shoulders, making it impossible to sit up straight. Worse yet, there was so little leg room on my INTERCONTINENTAL flight that I couldn’t even relax in the barely reclined seat because my legs hit the seat in front. This is no big deal on a short flight, but when the flight lasts for 9 hours, or is overnight, it becomes a big deal in a hurry. I am not unusually tall. There is no excuse for this.

2. Touchscreens

Whose brilliant idea was putting touchscreens in the back of the chairs. It didn’t occur to anyone that people would keep the passengers ahead of them awake by tapping constantly on the back of their seats. People don’t realized they should touch the screen rather than bang on it. First, you should have used a trackball mouse rather than a touchscreen. Failing that, the interface should at least warn passengers to press rather than tap!

3. Seats that do not Recline

Being in front of the emergency exit row is no excuse for seats not reclining. You should just leave more room. Furthermore, why did I get the crappy seats? I checked in nearly 24 hours before that flight began and at least half a dozen people were flying standby. If seats go on a first-come first-serve basis, why did I get placed in the worst seats on the plane? And why don’t I get a discount? If airlines can charge more for seats with more legroom in the emergency exit row, they should charge less for the less desirable seats in front of said row.

4. Luggage

What is wrong with your baggage handlers? I had eight bottles of wine, wrapped in bubble-wrap, placed in a box, which was then wrapped in bubble-wrap and placed in another box, which was marked fragile. When it arrived at my destination, it looked like something salvaged from a bombing in Baghdad. Needless to say, my french wine had long since quenched the thirst of two boxes, the plane, the runway, and perhaps the baggage cart. After several trips with Air Canada, my regular luggage is now easily identifiable by the duct tape that barely holds it together.

5. Children

Would it kill you to put all the screaming children in the same part of the aircraft? I mean, if everyone knew that kids go in the back of the plane, and everyone wants the seats up front anyway, then you’d have a fair way of determining who gets to sleep: whoever checks in and grabs their seats first, gets to sleep. Late comers bring ear plugs.

6. Stop talking to me like I’m an idiot

Every time there’s an announcement asking me to do something, it’s always ‘for my continued safety.’ How dumb do you think your passengers are? Turning off my cell phone has nothing to do with my safety. The studies on cellular interference with aircraft are done, the results are in, and cell phones do not pose any risk. Next thing you’ll be asking for exact change, ‘for your continued safety.’

7. Contagious Disease

People who arrive at the airport sick should be kindly asked to don a complementary surgical mask so they keep their germs to themselves. Every time I get on a plane I’m surrounded by people with obvious flu symptoms. What right have they to spread their illness? Anyone entering an aircraft while manifesting symptoms of contagious disease, including coughing, sneezing, fever, etc. should be required to wear a mask. This is common in many workplaces in Asia, and it should be adopted in North America as soon as possible.

8. Response Time

Air Canada claims that it will take 3 or 4 weeks to respond to comments. THREE OR FOUR WEEKS??? That’s completely unacceptable. You should be responding in no more than two business days. People complain because they want things fixed. Good organizations respond promptly and act quickly to resolve problems. Did no one in the whole company ever pass a marketing course?

Okay, so this guy actually is crazy.

But then I stumbled upon The Survival Blog and was enlightened. That’s right, folks, I’ve broken ground on my very own bunker.

Now, it’s not that the bunkered up rednecks in charge of The Survival Blog are sane, or even right. You see, it is time to get bunkered up, just not for the reasons some government-fearing libertarian spouts. They think the end of civilization is on the way because of the mortgage crisis – which makes sense, if you’re retarded.

Here’s the real reasons you should build a self-sufficient bunker, and never leave it:

5. The Hadron Particle Collider.

This is the obvious one. If you haven’t heard of it, the Large Hadron Collider is a 17-mile device on the Franco-Swiss border, built by scientists who don’t know what the fuck it does.

The LHC crashes sub-atomic… wait. They don’t know what the fuck it does? To be fair, they know why it was designed. It was designed to verify the existence of the Higgs boson, the smallest predicted particle in the Standard Theory, by crashing particles together at ridiculously high speeds. I don’t know what the hell any of that means, but I’m sure it’s real important to someone playing Dungeons and Dragons in a basement somewhere.

The Large Hadron Collider, looking like something a Spider-man villain may have built.

The part that concerns you and me is what scientists theorize they’ll be able to experiment (a.k.a. fuck) with. Things like Dark Matter and the events surrounding the Big Bang. Yes, scientists in Switzerland think they can make a Big Bang happen… and just keep it inside that big-ass ugly Twoface-designed end-of-the-world device.

On a sidenote, I’ve got the foundation laid in my bunker already.

4. Jerome Corsi.

Yes, I think Jerome Corsi is reason enough to build a bunker with no contact to the outside world. Jerome Corsi is the mastermind behind such wonders of literature as Unfit for Command and The Obama Nation.

This slimy bastard is so good at lying, he has managed to make a fortune off books passed off as extensively documented, but actually just full of bullshit. For instance, one reference cited such noteworthy sources as this blog which claims Obama was Muslim for 31 Years.

Last known picture of Jerome Corsi, shortly after leaving the Garden of Eden.

Jerome Corsi is clearly the devil. He has Karl Rove’s masterful ability to come up with bullshit, and Adolf Hitler’s skill at making everyone believe it. I’m not leaving my bunker purely out of fear that I might run into this guy, and he’ll brainwash me and turn me into the Igor for his Frankenstein.

Also, I totally just finished the water filtration system for my bunker.

3. Organic computing.

You’re probably asking yourself, “wait, organic computing? I’ve seen the Matrix, and there’s no way people are that stupid.” Well, you’re wrong.

These guys are in the business of designing computer systems which have the ability to adapt to their environment through a combination of organic and synthetic technologies. Apparently, these computers are being designed to be self-organizing, self-configuring, self-optimizing, self-motherfucking-healing, self-protecting, self-explaining, and will have context-awareness. Now, I’m not sure what all of this means, but I am sure that the one self-X property that should be added to this list is self-aware. Like a human being, perhaps. But half machine. That can heal itself.

Better hope it’s a nice computer.

These scientists say the organic computing technology will make a faster, more efficient machine. I say that machine will be fueled by the blood of virgins. You’re reading blogs on the Internet, so there’s about a 50/50 chance you fall into the category of ‘batteries.’ Better start building your bunker.

2. Giant Fucking Bugs

Seriously. I mean, this one isn’t necessarily a big fuck-up on man’s part, but there’s some seriously freaky bugs out there. Like these coconut crabs (a shellfish, but what is a shellfish if not a big aquatic cockroach?):

So that’s what H.P. Lovecraft was talking about. That’s a coconut that mutant is riding, by the way.

This is why my bunker has been designed air-tight and spider-proof. I’ll be damned if I’m going to survive the second Big Bang only to be eaten by some neon hermit crab.

1. All of these together = stronger than Man-Bear-Pig, more evil than Skeletor.

Close your eyes and imagine (if you dare) the ultimate apocalypse:

Jerome Corsi uses an army of brain-washed half-cybernetic humans riding giant crabs to destroy France and Switzerland and take control of the Large Hadron Collider, creating dark matter and devouring all organic life on the surface of the Earth.

Have fun in the wasteland, suckers. I’ll be munching freeze-dried roast beef and watching DVDs of Futurama while you battle the Corsi Empire.

(For anyone who’s unfamiliar with baseball, a guy called the pitcher throws a hard round ball that this other guy, the batter, tries to hit with a big piece of wood. The best the batter can do is hit the ball clean out of the field, an event called a home run. It’s similar to a six in cricket.)

Bonds’ new record has largely been marred by allegations of steroid use, which Bonds firmly denies. The fact is, whether or not Bonds took steroids is largely irrelevant; the whole idea of breaking a long-held record in any sport is preposterous. Here are seven reasons breaking old sports records doesn’t really mean anything.

1. Equipment has changed

Pick your sport. Be it baseball bats, golf clubs, or hockey sticks, the equipment of today is far different than what was used 30, 50 or 100 years ago. Babe Ruth swung a veritable ax handle compared to the bats of today. And don’t get me started on the advantages afforded by that armor that Bonds wears.

2. Rules have changed

Baseball, like many other sports, is subject to near yearly rule revision. For instance, the strike zone is far different now than in past. Try hitting 750 homers when you have to swing at everything from your ankles to your neck!

One of the most aggravating examples of this is in Olympic power lifting. The “Clean and Jerk” was so named because the lifter had to project the bar cleanly from the ground to his shoulders, i.e., without touching any other part of his body along the way. This meant the lifter had to bend his or her arms, which reduced the energy transfer between the lifter’s body and the bar. Now, the bar is permitted to touch the hips, so the lifter can maintain straight arms, and thus can lift more weight. The new lifter never really beat the old records, because they were performing a different lift!

3. Training Methods have Advanced

Aerobic and Anaerobic training have come a long way in the last hundred years. We know far more now about the relative effectiveness of different exercises and routines. Besides personal trainers, the modern athlete has physiotherapists, massage therapists, chiropractors and even orthopedic surgeons to keep him or her healthy and rehab injuries. More specialized training equipment is available, not to mention the advances in computerized swing analysis. Hank Aaron didn’t have a computer to analyze readings of his swing and tell him how to optimize his power output.

4. Diet has changed

Barry bonds has Vector, protein shakes, and mineral supplements with Major League Baseball’s blessing, regardless of whether or not he took illegal performance enhancers. Babe Ruth hit 714 home runs on cigars, beer, and hot dogs. (Thanks to JG for this point.)

5. Opponents have changed

This may be stating the obvious, but the pitchers faced by todays batters are significantly different from the pitchers of old. Two major drivers of this difference are 1) the pitchers have access to all the same advantages as other athletes and 2) there are more teams now, so an individual batter will see the best pitchers less often.

In any team sport, advances in technology may affect offense and defense asymetrically. If technology improvements favor offense, then scoring X points in the past was presumably more difficult than scoring X points today.

6. Playing fields have changed

If the size of fields have changed, in any sport, it changes the game. At the risk of stating the obvious, it’s harder to hit balls out of a bigger field. The introduction of astroturf has also changed baseball among other sports.

7. Norms have changed

There was a time when a pitcher was expected to pitch a complete game. Now, teams routinely have a pool of relief pitchers, an eighth inning specialist and a closer. This means less at-bats against tired pitchers. While other examples exist, I’ll leave it for now; perhaps interested readers might suggest other sports norms in the comments.

Conclusion

Based on this analysis, I conclude that the whole concept of Bonds breaking Aaron’s record, or Aaron breaking Ruth’s record, is as absurd as arguing who was a better player, Michael Jordan or Wayne Gretsky. The game has changed. I’m not saying whether it’s easier or harder to hit a home run now than in past, just that the game is so different that quibbling about the relative achievements of players from different eras is just bullshit.