The War On Bullshit

Have you ever been in an argument with someone over some bullshit the U.S. government is doing (like invading sovereign nations), and the dipshit you’re debating tells you that you should be shipped off to some socialist/communist/Islamic/oppressive/European country? Next time that happens, maybe you should consider it a good idea and ship yourself off. Here’s five good reasons why being an expatriate American may just be better than being a U.S. citizen. Many of these points assume you’re not moving to some AIDS-ridden third-world country, and are expatriating to Canada or one of the many socialized nations in the European Union.

1. You’re less likely to be robbed, raped, beaten or shot.

Generally speaking, other developed nations have lower crime rates than we do, according to UN crime rate statistics. The United Kingdom, Denmark, and Finland are exceptions (as well as a host of crappy undeveloped nations) - these countries do have higher crime rates than the United States. Don’t worry, though, there’s still plenty of places that offer a safe alternative - most of the EU, for instance, or Canada, our friendly neighbors to the north. Hell, you could even move to Yemen or Russia if you’re just looking for a lower crime rate.

2. You won’t feel the gas crunch nearly as much.

I’ve already discussed in previous posts how other countries are not affected nearly as much as we are by the rising cost of gasoline. Sure, they pay even higher prices than we do at the pump; that’s why the first thing you do when you move is sell the damn car! Though there are big parts of Canada where this doesn’t hold true, chances are if you head across the big lake to Europe, you’ll find you don’t even need a car. In fact, in many cases, it’s a bigger inconvenience than it is a boon. It’s easier to take the incredibly efficient public transit, or even hop on a bicycle for the scenic route. Most countries in Europe are scooter-friendly, too, so you can look dorky but save a ton of money on gas by putting around on a Vespa. Imagine all the cash you could save right now if you could just stop taking your car to work - personally, I’d pocket an extra $160 a month, and I live within five miles of my job. Unfortunately, it’s only a dream for many living outside the major metropolises in the United States.

3. You won’t face the burden of listening to people talk about their faith.

Alright, so this is more of a personal benefit for rational atheists like myself. Being an atheist in Europe is pretty nice. Very rarely will a European confront you about faith. You won’t have some Bible-beater blaring a megaphone in your ear while you’re having a beer at Oktoberfest in Munich. Ask the Naked Cowboy if you can say the same about Bourbon Street.

However, the benefits of a secular state don’t just affect nonbelievers. Our very own founding fathers knew the wisdom of keeping church and state separate, though in practice they did not do a perfect job of implementing it. It prevents discrimination against both believers and nonbelievers; it does not allow the rights of one group of believers to take precedence over another group. Unfortunately, faith has become a major factor in U.S. elections. It’s doubtful a presidential candidate who did not profess Christianity could win any time in the foreseeable future.

Ironically, many EU nations to which you might expatriate do not have the same clause about separation of church and state which we follow in the United States. They’ve just managed to collectively not give a shit about religion for long enough that the same religious apathy has leaked into their public policy making.

4. Castles kick ass.

Let’s face it: the scenery matters. This is the reason I’m thinking Europe > Canada, assuming this whole Russo-Georgian conflict dies down in the near future. Castles seriously rock, and it would behoove you to live near one so you can see how awesome they are.

Ronneburg Castle, Hessen, Germany. It has a catapult on the other side, just in case you question how much ass it kicks.

5. You’ll live longer.

As if castles and a lower crime rate aren’t awesome enough reasons to leave America, there’s the higher life expectancy the United Nations report in many other countries. Canada, the UK, the EU - all have higher life expectancies. Meanwhile, the United States falls at number 38 on the list - just below Cuba and just above the bustling nation of Portugal. Seriously, people, Cuba does better than us on keeping people alive?

We can argue about the benefits of socialized medicine all we want to, rehashing every argument Michael Moore or Ronald Reagan could drum up for or against it, but the fact remains that folks tend to live longer in all those evil socialist countries to which conservatives so fervently wish to ship all us libs. Even if every perceived evil of socialized medicine is true, they’re still doing their job better than we are, if you consider that job keeping folks’ tickers ticking for longer.

Conclusion

Originally, I’d intended to keep this list down to five good reasons. Unfortunately for any American nationalists reading this, I came up with a lot more than five reasons, so we’ll save the next five for next week. Let’s just hope the Bush croneys don’t ship me off to Gitmo before I get around to posting them.

Listening to the bullshit propoganda being spread in the current presidential race, I was just beginning to think neo-cons couldn’t get any dumber. Then I saw this headline and pissed myself: Neocons Call for U.S. to Launch War with Russia.

That’s right, you heard me. Neocon leader William Kristol says we owe it to Georgia to defend their nation against Russia because of the 2,000 troops Georgia has given to the War on Terror. What is this douche, a comic book villain trying to end the world?

Arkham Asylum: where Bill Kristol should be bunking with the Penguin.

This guy is completely insane, and here’s three damn good reasons why.

3. We don’t owe Georgia a damn thing.

Georgia’s contribution of a whopping 2,000 troops to our bullshit war in Iraq is Kristol’s primary justification for calling troops to war. He says that “for this reason alone, we owe Georgia a serious commitment to defend its sovereignity.” And I agree. We owe them vast amounts of moral support and diplomatic maneuvering to make sure they maintain their sovereignity. We don’t owe them a damn thing in the way of troops.

Georgia only joined the Iraq war in an effort to join NATO out of a belief that we would protect them from their large, aggressive neighbor: Russia. I sympathize with their plight. Russia is big and scary. So Georgia sent in their 2,000 troops to help us out. Apparently Georgians are not as astute as I am, but if we need the help of a third-world country whose government has only existed since 2003, what the hell makes them think we can help them fight Russia?! Which brings me to my next point…

2. Our forces are stretched too thin already.

CNN recently asked a group of 34,000 military officers about their situation in the Middle East, so why not listen to the pros: “Of those surveyed, 88 percent believe the demands of the Iraq war have ’stretched the U.S. military dangerously thin.’ . . .  Eighty percent of officers believe it is unreasonable to expect the U.S. military to wage another major war successfully at present.” (CNN, 2008)

The truth is, at a time when recruitment for the military is way down, we are fighting two conflicts, and if you think things in Afghanistan are a-okay, think again. It’s idiotic to even think we could carry the battle to a third front - let alone one as vast as Russia. If we learn nothing else from Napoleon and Hitler, we should know the cold truth that Russia will break the back of any force split on multiple fronts.

1. Kristol’s motivations are less than pure.

Hmmm, now why would a neo-con like Kristol push for us to go to war in Georgia? For one thing, the American people are a heck of a lot more likely to vote for conservatives during periods of war, and let’s face it: we just aren’t paying attention to Iraq anymore. The Iraqi headlines have fallen to page 2A, and it’s simply not enough exposure to guarantee a Republican win in the presidential election.

More importantly, though, there’s the BTC Pipeline, the very reason Russia has decided they want Georgia so badly. The pipeline transports petroleum from Azerbaijan over 1,000 miles to a port in Turkey, making it not only the second-longest oil pipeline in the world, but also one of the most important ways oil makes it to the West.

So why would we want to fight Russia over Georgia? Because, what better way for us to sneak in the back door to gain access to the BTC Pipeline. Like Kristol says we owe Georgia for their support in Iraq, how much more do you think they will owe us if we bail them out of a fight with Russia?

Well, I’ve finally found the presidential candidate for me, folks. I’ll give you a guess: she’s named after a city in France. You’ve probably already heard of the Paris Hilton response to a recent McCain ad criticizing Obama’s energy policy while showing images of Hilton and former pop star turned nutjob Britney Spears – both Obama supporters. If not, you can see the video here.

Now, I’ve never been the biggest Paris fan (what does she even do, other than third-rate porn flicks?), but at first glance her energy policy almost won me over. She offers a reasonable solution – not a dichotomy of ‘drill more’ or ‘find alternative energy sources.’ Instead, Paris says we ought to have limited drilling offshore while offering incentives for manufacturers to produce more hybrid vehicles. Holy crap, a common sense solution not driven by party ideology, but by examining the problem and coming to a reasonable idea to solve it?

Paris Hilton in the hottest mugshot ever. Is America ready for a bimbo president?

Now, that’s not to say her solution actually makes sense. Paris says we need to drill offshore to ‘carry us through’ until the technology developed; she probably doesn’t keep up with advances in technology any better than I do. It wasn’t until I saw these that I realized much of the technology already exists. Here’s another example. It’d make more sense to offer incentives for developers to produce these things for commercial use while developing vehicles that don’t rely on fossil fuels at all. And Hell, these things even look cool.

The Aptera prototype. Wouldn’t you feel like Judge Dredd driving this thing?

It wouldn’t take us much time at all to roll vehicles like these off the assembly line, while drilling more in, say, ANWR, would not produce anything for about another ten years. The truth is, we’d have the hybrids out before ever seeing any effect from drilling offshore.

Needless to say, I had a good chuckle and went about my day, until hearing the same fake ad pop up on ABC News on the local AM radio station – right alongside the legitimate campaign coverage on the news, ABC dropped in a few sound bytes from the Paris Hilton spoof ad. That’s when the horrific realization set in: what Paris Hilton has to say in some stupid online video is as legitimate and (apparently) important to people as what our candidates for the highest office in America have to say.

It’s a sad state the world is in when a spoiled brat turned amateur porn star has equally relevant input on our country’s affairs as the two men vying for the nation’s leadership. It tells me we’ve become so divided along party lines we’re unlikely to ever come to a reasonable, common sense solution to any of our problems. It took a couple of comedy writers with a bong one afternoon in a smoky room to come up with a reasonable solution to the energy crisis, however misinformed those writers were of the development of new hybrid technology. But it took unfounded outrage over Obama suggesting folks air up their tires for that candidate to edge away from the old Democrat-Republican dichotomy.

You know, now that I think about it, screw this. Maybe instead of voting for Paris Hilton, I’ll just move to Paris, France.