Loyal readers know that feminists irritate me. Not the right-to-vote, equal-pay-for-equal-work, cook-your-own-damn-dinner feminists – I like those. I’m talking about the breaking-down-gender-roles, anti-pornography, all-sex-is-rape radical feminist lunatics. This kind of ideology has fueled the ongoing feminization of culture to mixed effects. On the upside, men have gotten better at expressing their emotions, women have gotten closer to equal pay, and society has become more egalitarian and empathetic. On the downside, guys don’t know how to be guys anymore. Men have lost touch with many of the activities and traditions that helped them feel and express traditionally male virtues, including strength, toughness, stoicism and resilience. These have been replaced with destructive activities, such as binge drinking and one night stands, that fail to unite a man with his inner strength. With this as prelude, here are some ways you can reclaim a feeling of manliness
1) Learn to shave with a straight razor
While shaving isn’t uniquely male, it is something most men do, and a close shave is something to be proud of. Both men and women will notice a truly close shave. Unfortunately, no two, three, four, five or 16 blade razor can do the job. These fisher-price razors yank and chop your facial hair. The only way to get a perfect shave is with a literally razor-sharp blade placed directly against the skin. Yes, while learning to use a straight razor you will cut yourself and get razor burn. But if anyone notices, you get to say, “oh, yeah, I’m learning to shave with a straight razor.” And when they reply, “why on earth would you do that?” you get to say, “because it’s manly!”
2) Play a team sport
Team sports like football, basketball and hockey are essentially popular war games. Yes, they’re good exercise, fun and improve sexual performance. But aside from that, they allow a man to exercise primitive battle instincts in a constructive environment. And you don’t have to be skilled to have a good time.
3) Cook over an open fire
Ancient man cooked meat over an open fire, and there’s still something deeply satisfying about the sight, sound and smell of roasting meat. Sorry, veggie burgers don’t cut it.
4) Join a martial arts club
We all know guys who sit around drinking beer and watching MMA. This is not manly. Getting intoxicated and gaining weight while arguing about the finer points of movements you have never tried is false manliness. MMA isn’t even manly. When a real martial artist hits you, you go down. Often in pieces. To get in touch with your inner power, try a traditional martial art. The precise art is not as important as finding a teacher who inspires you and club where you can train safely.
5) Play paintball
Like team sports, paintball is just an elaborate, stylized outlet for your battle instincts. With a paintball gun you can live out all your John Wayne fantasies without actually killing anyone, or more likely, getting shot, shooting the wrong guy, or ending up in prison.
6) Go camping (not glamping)
Ancient man covered miles of wilderness hunting game, traveling between villages, or just getting some peace and quiet. Hiking and camping is an excellent way to reconnect with your ancestral heritage. Note: camping is not the same as glamping. When you drive to your campsite, set up on a pre-made platform, sit in the nearby hot tub for an hour, party all night, pass out drunk on the picnic table, wake up and hit Starbucks on the way home, that’s glamping. Camping is when you put your gear in a pack, hike to your campsite, cook half a mile away so as not to attract bears, and go to bed early because you’re exhausted from hiking all day with a heavy pack. Glamping is false manliness. Camping makes you feel like you’ve accomplished something.
7) Watch a Manly Movie
And when all else fails, just have the boys over and watch a manly movie.