Take No Prisoners

Top 5 Pastimes we have to Stop Pretending are Fun

“What do you wanna do tonight?”
“I dunno.”

What follows these two fateful lines is inevitably an enumeration of common pastimes, most of which aren’t really fun at all. We just keep doing them because we want to get out of the house, and we don’t know what else to do. We are creatures of habit. Here are five habits, more specifically pastimes, that honestly suck.

5. Fast food Restaurants

Weight gain, heart attacks, bad food, uncomfortable chairs, unfavorable lighting, bad service, noise, being surrounded by obese rednecks. I rest my case.

4. Casinos

If you had any real expectation of making money, the casino would be out of business. Gambling is not fun, in any meaningful sense. It is a family-decimating, soul-destroying affliction on humanity. (Qualification: This applies more to pure games of chance, like slots, than to games that require skill, like poker). And the best part is when the degenerate gambler staggers home at dawn, still half-in-the-bag and out one paycheck, and yells at his kid for playing video games all night.

3. Bowling

How is this supposed to be fun? Have you SEEN The Big Labowski? Why bowling alleys attract scum and lowlives I don’t know. And I don’t care! Because whipping a round rock down some hardwood to knock over little white targets that don’t have the common decency to shatter, catch fire, explode, or even STAY DOWN, for the sheer enjoyment of spraining your wrist, is a stupid fucking past time! And don’t get me started on the bad food, bad drinks, nasty-ass shoes and wanna-be-pro assholes who think you have no right to be there because you didn’t your youth playing with someone else’s balls like they did.

2. Movies in Theaters

Yeah, I like movies. And yeah, I used to like going to theaters when I was a kid. But now? With people constantly talking, opening their “cell phones” (a.k.a. flashlights) to check or send text messages and pointing laser pointers at the screens, with the crappy, calorific, overpriced food, with hearing-damage-inducing volume, with picture and sound quality no better than what you can get at home with a Blu-ray player and a surround-sound rig… what the hell is the point of going to the theater? And then there’s the tedium of ads and previews before I can even see what I came for, despite my paying two or three times the cost of a rental to see it (more if you consider that one rental can be spread across the 6 – 10 friends that can comfortably watch a movie in a typical den.) You know why everything online is ad-supported? Because it’s FREE, that’s why. If I plunk down $20 for a ticket and a snack, I expert them to get on with the fucking show already!

Seriously. The only reason left to go to movie theaters is when you’re going on a date and lack any intelligent thing to say, so you have to hide the emptiness of your head by going somewhere you’re not supposed to talk.

1. Dance Clubs

Speaking of concealing the emptiness in your head, there’s going clubbing! With jailbait, risk of getting your drink spiked with drugs, date rape, getting drinks spilled on you, being felt up by cougars, more hearing damage, and a complete nullifying of conversation, what the hell is the point of this? If I wanted to ogle half-naked, objectified women, I’d watch porn. That’s what it’s for. And then there’s the douchebags on the prowl for some half-drunk bimbo to hook up with. We all gotta go sometime, but I’ll take a heart attack over syphilis, thank you very much. Oh, and lots not forget the brainless twats who think a dance club is a great place to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right. What the fuck are these people on? First, it’s too loud to talk to anyone, so it’s impossible to judge whether you’re talking to the Poet Laureate or Larry the Cable Guy. Second, it’s too dark to see anyone, so you don’t know if you’ve got Jessica Alba or Courtney Love. And to top it all off, you’ve been drinking!

If you want to dance, take lessons and be awesome. Otherwise, save it for weddings.

Honorable Mention: Watching the Oscars

For fucksake, what is wrong with the Academy? Did they even watch the movies before they voted? I booed vigorously every time the Curious Case of Benjamin Boredom won something. The gave best picture to a movie embroiled in legal controversy because it nabbed half its cast from the slums in India and then LEFT THEM THERE after the movie became an international hit. A bunch of kids! Oh, what I’d give to go Krampus on their asses!

At some point, the hollywood elites lost site of the purpose of movies: to entertain. You know what was an entertaining movie this year? Iron Man. You know what is not entertaining? Watching a midget-sized prune man transform into an average-sized douchebag over the course of two and a half hours.