Take No Prisoners

Tony the Tiger loses blog endorsement

That’s right, Tony the Tiger, you read that title right. Consider this your notice: I am officially cancelling my endorsement of all Kellogg’s products – not because of a picture your dick friends took, but because you’re an asshole.

In case you haven’t heard, Olympic swimmer and possible comic book mutant Michael Phelps recently lost his Kellogg’s endorsement and fired up a whole shit-storm of pointless controversy because of a picture taken at a college party showing Phelps hitting a bong like the lost third member in a Cheech and Chong trio. Hey, makes sense, right? Such a health-conscious company as Kellogg’s can’t be seen promoting some sickly stoner – that won’t sell Special K to healthy moms, will it?

Just look at these drugged out losers. Hey, the 60s are over, hippies!

Well, no, it doesn’t really make any sense at all. It’s completely retarded, in fact. Let’s not even get into the debatability of all the supposedly terrible effects of marijuana, or the fact that it’s probably not that terrible for you if Michael Phelps – the same guy who won eight fucking gold medals, folks! – likes to smoke it at parties.

You know what is really bad for you, though? Sugar. It’s pretty terrible for you when you eat it in the amounts we do in America, and can lead to all sorts of health problems: obesity, diabetes, heart problems, just to name a few. And hey, you know who one of the biggest dealers of sugar is? Ding ding ding, you guessed it! Diabetes is gr-r-reat!

You know what the second ingredient listed in Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes is? Sugar. The fourth ingredient is high fructose corn syrup. Mmm, sounds like a fine company to look down their nose on those gross, unhealthy, medal-winning potheads.

Speaking of syrup, here’s another wonderful Kellogg’s product:

The breakfast of champions: syrup and sugar-patties. Oh, I’m sorry, I mean waffles.

This is also the same company that produces a host of cookies, sugary snacks, and of course, the staple of every successful athlete’s diet: chocolate banana split Pop-Tarts.

Now, am I saying that marijuana is totally healthy? Of course not – you’re inhaling smoke. But considering obesity is one of the biggest killers in America, while marijuana trails behind at position… wait, marijuana isn’t even on the list? Well, shit. But, hey, lung cancer is on there! Maybe Kellogg’s is on to something after all.

You know what makes this whole situation even worse? Phelps has issued several public apologies for his “regrettable actions.” That’s bullshit, Phelps – you’re a goddamn Marvel mutant, why are you being a bitch? It’s none of Kellogg’s business whether an athlete they endorse smokes pot – once again, if it was that damn bad for you, he wouldn’t have won eight medals. Or is it the criminality that is an issue? If so, wait for him to be convicted of something (hint: he won’t be).

Phelps has nothing to apologize for. In fact, Mr. Phelps, I’ve got a suggestion for your next scandalous picture when you’re hanging out with all your stoner buddies. Why not get a nice close-up of you taking a dump on a box of those chocolate banana split Pop-Tarts? If you need a little help with that, I hear Special K is just loaded with fiber.