Take No Prisoners

Three Quotes That Prove Bush Can See the Future

As the world anxiously awaits the arrival of a new American president, welcome the ceaseless examinations of Dubya’s failed presidency: what will his legacy be? ask the reporters at CNN; I think historians will be kinder to him! cry the pundits at Fox; who the fuck is going to pay this douche to tour colleges and universities after he leaves office? ask the unbiased folks over at MSNBC.

Well, step aside, American media. Once again, you’ve been beaten to the punch by the Associated Press, who have figured out exactly what Bush’s legacy will be: Bushism. The AP this week published a list of their favorite Bushisms, and, while stumbling through Bush’s broken sentence structure and the words he seemingly pulls out of the black void of his ass, I couldn’t help but notice the accuracy of what he had to say.

Is it any wonder that Bush has created his own -ism? Some of these are such dead-on interpretations of reality, I forget the guy is president, not philosopher-general.

This week, there’s no bullshit. This is a tribute to a straight-talker, whose semi-retarded speeches reflect the wisdom of a real American hero. Here’s a few gems from the big list:

3. “Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?”

Speaking at a campaign event during the 2000 election, Bush reflected on the current state of education. The irony of Bush’s poor understanding of verb conjugation really brings the point home for me.

With such a hard-hitting question on education during the campaign, you’d expect Bush to really crack down on education, right? Enter the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001, which, theoretically at least, rewards schools for high scores on standardized tests while holding accountable those schools which receive low scores.

Wow! Holding teachers accountable! You’re ballsy, Dubya, I gotta hand it to you. You’d think, with such a radical idea on education, Bush would probably make something like education his #1 priority during his term.

…but then you realize that he cut $4 billion from the Department of Education’s budget in 2006, while still funding an endless conflict in the Middle East with a bunch of people who didn’t even attack us. That might explain why they ‘is’ not learning after all…

2. There’s no doubt in my mind . . . that we will fail.

A passionate President Bush discussed getting the country back to work after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, offering this dreary look at the future. The stark, defeatist attitude is almost prophetic, looking back at it from the year 2009.

Now, slow down, you’re probably thinking. We’re doing fine in Iraq. Mission fuckin’ accomplished, remember? And I do. But up to 1 000 000 dead Iraqis and over 4000 dead U.S. soldiers beg to disagree. And what many people (Bush included) don’t remember is a place called Afghanistan – a mystical place full of hashish, opium, and strange creatures called the Taliban.

Now, with the man who actually attacked us either running free, or dead because his dialysis machine could not plug into a rock, Bush could not have been more accurate. We will fail, indeed.

1. There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.

Everyone’s favorite Bushism! Michael Moore made this one famous with his documentary Fahrenheit 911, and of all the prophecies listed by the Associated Press, this was the one I least expected to be true when 2009 rolled around. But lo and behold, Bush does it again.

Now, with Barack Obama shacking up in D.C., anxiously waiting for the day when functional literacy can again return to the White House, I realize this statement is probably truer than any words Bush has ever spoken. You can’t get fooled again is right, Mr. President. Just ask John McCain.