Take No Prisoners

War on B.S. Humbug Edition – 25 Reasons I Hate Christmas

I hate Christmas. There, I said it. Here’s why.

1. Christians actually think Jesus was born in winter – half them don’t realize that Christmas was set to Dec. 25th to coincide with pagan winter solstice celebrations.

2. People eat like crazy and the gyms are closed.

3. If church and state are separate, why do businesses have to close on just the Christian holidays? Either close for all major religious holidays, or none.

4. Rampant deforestation so snot-nosed brats can hang bobbles on a tree… then later yank them off and break them.

5. Relatives who don’t understand that being a minimalist means you don’t want physically enormous presents that won’t fit in your apartment, let alone suitcase.

6. People who feel the need to buy you something, but don’t feel the need to get to know you well enough that they can choose something you will like.

7. Maxed out air travel and snowstorms don’t mix.

8. My relatives’ ill-behaved children.

9. Resisting the urge to tell off my relatives for being terrible parents.

10. Eight family dinners in seven days will drive anyone nuts.

11. Being thought a controlling douchebag for reminding your diabetic cousin to lay off the candy canes before he goes into a coma.

12. Saying grace. Give me a fucking break. I am not Christian. Stop pushing your religious bullshit on me.

13. Going to cliquey Christmas parties where only half a dozen people will actually talk to you.

14. People who act like dicks 364 days a year and then suddenly expect you to be nice to them “because it’s Christmas!”

15. The electricity wasted on christmas lights.

16. Various uncles hitting on my girlfriends (not this year for a change).

17. Having to resist the urge to smack the living shit out of my ignorant, redneck, pro-war, homophobic, american asshole uncle so my grandfather doesn’t have a stroke.

18. Listening to the guy who won’t even go to Christmas dinner bitch about the guy who only goes for an hour.

19. Having to wait in line to return useless gifts (because I’ll have to fly back before the lines dissipate) only to be told that the store only takes exchanges, despite the fact that there’s not a damn thing there to buy that’s worth the paper its tags are printed on.

20. Having to try to explain what doing a PhD is like, and why it’s important, to people who never finished high school.

21. Listening to parents try to bullshit their children into behaving by saying Santa Claus won’t bring them anything. For fucksake, you don’t think the kids will figure out that if the worst little bastard in kindergarten doesn’t get coal, neither will they?

22. A month of Christmas music

23. Tacky decorations everywhere you look.

24. Gag gifts. What, this cost $20? I think the joke is on you, asshole.

25. Carolers. Fuck them. Fuck them with a scented candle and a bottle of eggnog.

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