Date: Nov. 4, 2008
To: The World
Subject: Racism No Longer Exists
Look out, world! America has grown up. That’s right. In case your third-rate newspapers skimmed over it, America elected its first black president. Or… part black president. Or maybe he’s a Muslim. I also heard that he once went to cocktail parties with a terrorist, and may or may not hate white people. The Committee on Race Relations is still up in the air on all this, okay? But Snopes says it’s all bullshit, so we can assure you we are no longer racist.
You can all feel free to hoist your overseas American flags again, allies. Once again, America is the shining beacon of freedom. You see, it only took billions of dollars spent on two massive presidential campaigns, a national movement of minorities, educated people, and young voters, and one fair, democratic election to stop racism in America. Oh, and 300 years. That’s all it took to stop racism… though it was in an election where only 52% of the nation could vote for the black candidate. Or the part-black candidate. But we assure you, that wasn’t racism; it was because Barack Obama is unabashedly liberal. You see, there is no more racism.
Now, in 2009, our black brothers won’t be pulled over and harassed by police officers simply because of the color of their skin, like happened last weekend, when white officers pulled over a vehicle and interrogated its driver on a sleepy college campus in the south because the occupants of the vehicle were a black man and a white man, and obviously they must be dealing drugs. That’s not gonna happen anymore in the New America!
Nor will the dreaded Ku Klux Klan exist anymore. Their actions, like the the murder of an Oklahoma woman whose conscience apparently kicked in during an initiation ceremony into the group, shot when she decided to leave the ceremony. These things will no longer exist – hate groups will not be tolerated in the New America, right?
In fact, there won’t be any more discrimination in America at all. We won’t be telling gays how to act anymore… except for passing state legislation pushed by religious zealots in an attempt to deny gays and lesbian unions state recognition that they are a couple, and should be able to care for each other, visit each other in the hospital, and inherit each other’s possessions the same as any straight couple because of the moral reprehensibility of their lifestyle.
Nor will our nation’s fine conservatives continue to plant fear into the hearts of Americans: fear of the unknown, of progress, and of polite society’s ‘others.’ We won’t try to convince you that Barack Obama is a Jew-hating, America-hating, anti-white, Muslim, communistic terrorist. Except for the AM radio talk-show hosts, but just ignore them. Aren’t they so silly sometimes?
So don’t worry, world. I know it kind of looks like we’re just as racist, or maybe even a little bit more, but Joe Six-pack assures you that is simply not true. We just elected a black guy… or a half-black guy. Isn’t he Hawaiian? Wait, his dad is a Kenyan socialist, right?
Look, guys, the point is, get off our back, okay? We’re totally not some ultra-religious country that is afraid of change and stuck in the 1950s anymore.
EDIT: For those of you tired of discrimination and those who support it, particularly those of you out on the West Coast, check out this list of individuals and businesses who donated to the campaign that pushed Proposition 8 through in California, and consider not giving these bigots your money anymore.