Take No Prisoners

5 Reasons to Build a Bunker

Since I assume most of the War on Bullshit readers (Warriors on Bullshit?) are at least fairly literate, I’m going to further assume you, like me, have always thought conservatives with bunkers are fucking nuts. Hey, it’s an easy assumption to make. They wear tin foil hats, have 300 guns, and probably engage in incest.

Okay, so this guy actually is crazy.

But then I stumbled upon The Survival Blog and was enlightened. That’s right, folks, I’ve broken ground on my very own bunker.

Now, it’s not that the bunkered up rednecks in charge of The Survival Blog are sane, or even right. You see, it is time to get bunkered up, just not for the reasons some government-fearing libertarian spouts. They think the end of civilization is on the way because of the mortgage crisis – which makes sense, if you’re retarded.

Here’s the real reasons you should build a self-sufficient bunker, and never leave it:

5. The Hadron Particle Collider.

This is the obvious one. If you haven’t heard of it, the Large Hadron Collider is a 17-mile device on the Franco-Swiss border, built by scientists who don’t know what the fuck it does.

The LHC crashes sub-atomic… wait. They don’t know what the fuck it does? To be fair, they know why it was designed. It was designed to verify the existence of the Higgs boson, the smallest predicted particle in the Standard Theory, by crashing particles together at ridiculously high speeds. I don’t know what the hell any of that means, but I’m sure it’s real important to someone playing Dungeons and Dragons in a basement somewhere.

The Large Hadron Collider, looking like something a Spider-man villain may have built.

The part that concerns you and me is what scientists theorize they’ll be able to experiment (a.k.a. fuck) with. Things like Dark Matter and the events surrounding the Big Bang. Yes, scientists in Switzerland think they can make a Big Bang happen… and just keep it inside that big-ass ugly Twoface-designed end-of-the-world device.

On a sidenote, I’ve got the foundation laid in my bunker already.

4. Jerome Corsi.

Yes, I think Jerome Corsi is reason enough to build a bunker with no contact to the outside world. Jerome Corsi is the mastermind behind such wonders of literature as Unfit for Command and The Obama Nation.

This slimy bastard is so good at lying, he has managed to make a fortune off books passed off as extensively documented, but actually just full of bullshit. For instance, one reference cited such noteworthy sources as this blog which claims Obama was Muslim for 31 Years.

Last known picture of Jerome Corsi, shortly after leaving the Garden of Eden.

Jerome Corsi is clearly the devil. He has Karl Rove’s masterful ability to come up with bullshit, and Adolf Hitler’s skill at making everyone believe it. I’m not leaving my bunker purely out of fear that I might run into this guy, and he’ll brainwash me and turn me into the Igor for his Frankenstein.

Also, I totally just finished the water filtration system for my bunker.

3. Organic computing.

You’re probably asking yourself, “wait, organic computing? I’ve seen the Matrix, and there’s no way people are that stupid.” Well, you’re wrong.

These guys are in the business of designing computer systems which have the ability to adapt to their environment through a combination of organic and synthetic technologies. Apparently, these computers are being designed to be self-organizing, self-configuring, self-optimizing, self-motherfucking-healing, self-protecting, self-explaining, and will have context-awareness. Now, I’m not sure what all of this means, but I am sure that the one self-X property that should be added to this list is self-aware. Like a human being, perhaps. But half machine. That can heal itself.

Better hope it’s a nice computer.

These scientists say the organic computing technology will make a faster, more efficient machine. I say that machine will be fueled by the blood of virgins. You’re reading blogs on the Internet, so there’s about a 50/50 chance you fall into the category of ‘batteries.’ Better start building your bunker.

2. Giant Fucking Bugs

Seriously. I mean, this one isn’t necessarily a big fuck-up on man’s part, but there’s some seriously freaky bugs out there. Like these coconut crabs (a shellfish, but what is a shellfish if not a big aquatic cockroach?):

So that’s what H.P. Lovecraft was talking about. That’s a coconut that mutant is riding, by the way.

This is why my bunker has been designed air-tight and spider-proof. I’ll be damned if I’m going to survive the second Big Bang only to be eaten by some neon hermit crab.

1. All of these together = stronger than Man-Bear-Pig, more evil than Skeletor.

Close your eyes and imagine (if you dare) the ultimate apocalypse:

Jerome Corsi uses an army of brain-washed half-cybernetic humans riding giant crabs to destroy France and Switzerland and take control of the Large Hadron Collider, creating dark matter and devouring all organic life on the surface of the Earth.

Have fun in the wasteland, suckers. I’ll be munching freeze-dried roast beef and watching DVDs of Futurama while you battle the Corsi Empire.