Take No Prisoners

Three Reasons Santa is More Plausible than God

At the risk of starting a theme for this week’s war, I’m going to take a slightly different approach from Kavan on atheism. It’s no secret that I think belief in God is among the top ten biggest signs you might be retarded. Isn’t it strange, though, that’s nobody questions people’s disbelief in Santa? Any kid over the age of five (ten, if you’ve got a particularly gullible brat) will tell you that Santa Claus is just a jolly old pile of bull – excuse me – reindeershit dressed up in sparkly lights. Yet these same people who logically deduce that Santa is just a mythological figure manage to shut off their brains and believe in magic once a week. Well, fuck you, you superstitious Xtians. I believe in Santa, not God, and here’s why.

1. Santa Claus leaves me something tangible every year.

Every day, you see people praying. At football games, City Council meetings, in redneck-ass schools in the backwoods, they stand, heads bowed in prayer, just begging God to give them something. It must suck to have to do so much work and then get nothing. It’s even worse for the poor Catholics, who not only have to keep their heads bowed so much they end up with a curved spine, but also get bad knees from so much up-and-down.

Recently, some folks that are a lot smarter than me did a study on the effect prayer has on people who undergo heart surgery. You’ll never guess what the results were. Alright, so maybe you can guess the results. They were… pretty much nothing. You got it, prayer doesn’t do a damn thing.

Being a good boy, however, yields all kinds of results! Remember the kickass set of Legos you got as a kid for promising to never beat your sister with a tire iron again? Thank Santa for that. I mean, all Santa requires is that you aren’t a complete asshole, and you get something from him!

l. to r. what Santa gives you vs. what God gives you.

Hell, even if you are a complete asshole, usually he still tosses some pretty cool shit your way. I don’t remember a single year where I wasn’t a dick; I also don’t remember a single Christmas where Santa didn’t bring me something kickass.

2. Santa was a historical figure.

If there’s better evidence that Santa exists and God does not, I don’t know what it is. There are a lot of folks who contributed to the figure of Santa Claus, but the primary one (and where he gets the shitty moniker of Jolly Old Saint Nick) is a guy named Saint Nicholas of Myra, who had a reputation for secretly giving people gifts, a trait now only common in child molestors.

St. Nicholas, looking a lot like a meth addict.

God, however, is never described as a person. He’s just some vague-ass concept. Xtians like to give the convenient excuse that he’s so vast and incomprehensible he just cannot be described. While that must be useful to God when someone’s trying to give a police report on him, it’s not very fucking useful to me. If I’m going to believe in something, I need to at least have some damn idea of what it looks like. I mean, if a car salesman tried that pitch on me I’d probably kick him in the ear until his brains were like so much scrambled gray pudding. The conversation would go something like this:

Salesman: Man, this car kicks so much ass, I can’t even describe how fucking awesome it is.

Me: How much horsepower does it have?

Salesman: Dude, it’s got so much horsepower, I can’t even tell you how much it has.

Me: ….so can I see it?

Salesman: Well, um, it’s so awesome looking the human brain and eyes can’t even process it, so no.

Me: *boot to the head*

3. God is omnipotent, but Santa keeps a list, just like the rest of us.

God is apparently both an omnipotent and an omniscient being. For those of you who failed at life, omnipotent means all-powerful. Omniscient is all-knowing. There’s obviously not some all-powerful being out in the universe who created us to amuse him, or we’d all be fucked.

I was all-powerful to about 400 billion toy soldiers, and fuck floods, I melted their faces off with the sun.

If there was some all-powerful ghost in the sky, do you really think Hurricane Katrina is the worst thing he’d send after us? A hole in the o-zone layer? More like a giant magnifying glass in the sky. That’s how an all-powerful being entertains himself with mortals.

Santa, however, is neither all-powerful nor all-knowing. I know this because he has to keep a list just like the rest of us losers. What do you do when you go shopping? You either keep a list, or you forget everything except the Funyuns and beer and get chewed out by your girlfriend when you get home. I like Santa’s naughty-or-nice list because I can relate to it. There’s no fucking way I could remember everyone in the world, let alone which ones were assholes this year.


See? Fuck agnosticism. God is ridiculous – any concept of it. I mean, you don’t believe in unicorns, right? The Easter bunny? There’s no evidence for them, that’s why; belief in these things requires faith. Even Bigfoot has a video of himself, but I bet you laughed when those idiots in Georgia thought their Halloween costume was a Sasquatch. That’s why I’m a total atheist – screw all that superstitious bull. Now, I’ve got to go throw salt over my shoulder and head to a global warming rally, avoiding a ladder and my neighbor’s cat along the way.