Take No Prisoners

Myth Busted: Violence Can Solve Problems

Have you ever found yourself in a waiting room, and you spot the inevitable rack of brochures full of bullshit? Well, I think I’ve tracked down the biggest gem of them all: Mad Attitude?! Violence Gets You Nowhere!

This brochure is based entirely on the old adage that violence doesn’t solve anything. While this sounds cute and nice, and is a great (if ineffective) way to convince kids to not get into fights, I’m going to tell you a secret: it’s bullshit. Like Santa Claus and his list, the bogeyman, and God, it’s just another big, dumb lie to keep kids in line.

Look, I’m all for teaching kids to use violence as a last resort. I greatly admire the work of pacifists like Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. But Gandhi was a pretty sharp guy, and I’m pretty damn sure even he realized that violence can solve problems – it’s just not the best, most moral way to go about it.

The brochure is just chock full of retarded ideas: “. . .sometimes anger can get so out of hand that violence seems like the right answer. Sorry…using violence as a way to solve problems doesn’t solve anything!” Who wrote this crap? Did Dr. Dipshit sleep through American History 101? History and the current news media is full of all kinds of problems that have been solved through violence. Let’s take a look at some of them.

1. The Zanj Rebellion.

Never heard of it? Sure, it was never made into a black and white movie like Spartacus’ unsuccessful slave revolt, but the Zanj Rebellion was a slave revolt that actually made some changes in the Middle East. It was led by a guy named Ali ibn Muhammad – obviously a bad motherfucker, since historians Al-Tabari and Al-Masudi describe it as one of the bloodiest events in the history of the Abbasid caliphate.

No pictures exist of ibn Muhammad, but I’m just going to assume he looked like this. Badass.

Ibn Muhammad led a band of slaves from Basra, in what is now Iraq. The revolt lasted about fifteen years, with lots of bloody fighting and Middle Eastern asskickery. Finally, in 881 AD, ibn Muhammad’s men were surrounded by the Abbasid army and defeated, but, here’s some news for the pacifist douche who wrote the afore-mentioned brochure: shit changed in Basra. The slaves got a reduced workload, and ultimately became more akin to peasants and serfs than slaves.

2. The American Revolution.

Possibly one of the most influential events on the modern world was the revolt of a bunch of redneck-ass colonies in the New World. Maybe you’ve heard of it: The American Revolution. That’s right, all you pacifist twats out there, violence is what ultimately overthrew the British Empire and stopped a lot of fucking tyranny in the world.

George Washington was such a fan of violence, he once wrote about an experience during the war where, surrounded by chaos and dying, he “heard the bullets whistle and, believe me, there is something charming to the sound of bullets.” If violence is good enough for Washington, it’s good enough for you.

In fact, a lot of our presidents were big fans of violence. Jefferson said “the tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” Perhaps the biggest advocate of violence was Andrew Jackson, whose only regret was not shooting the guy who served as his vice president. He liked violence so fucking much he wanted to kill his veep. Look out, Palin.

Andrew Jackson may look like a sleazy drunk Irishman, but… well, nevermind. Drunk Irishmen will kick your ass too.

3. Hamilton-Burr Duel.

Another great example of how violence solves disputes is evident in early American history. School-kids all remember reading about the famous duel between American revolutionaries and leaders Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. Burr, Vice President at the time, had long had disputes with Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton over Hamilton’s “journalistic defamation” of Burr (in other words, Hamilton insulted the shit out of Burr in a letter). The two men decided to settle the argument the old-fashioned way: with guns.

The guns used in the duel. Next time someone calls you an asshat, break out the muskets, and see if he does it again.

Burr shot Hamilton dead at the Heights of Weehawken (wtf kind of place name is Weehawken?), pretty much ensuring no one would make the mistake of insulting him again. I guess it didn’t work out so well for Burr, since he fell out of public office after finishing his term as Vice President, but you can bet nobody ever ripped on Burr again to his face.

4. Bruce Lee Asskickery.

Everybody can remember the squealing battle-cry of possibly the biggest badass of all time: Bruce Lee. We all remember how much ass Bruce Lee kicked in all the Kung Fu classics. Something few people remember, though, is how much ass he kicked off screen. One poor film extra got a good lesson in insulting someone else’s mad Kung Fu when he had the shit pummeled out of him by The Dragon.

One of few remaining photographs of Bruce Lee kicking some extra’s ass.

Apparently, on the set of Enter the Dragon, some dipshit had the big brass balls to say Lee was “a movie star, not a martial artist,” adding that he “wasn’t much of a fighter.” Violence ensued. Here is co-star Bob Wall’s recollection of the asskickery that followed:

This kid was good. He was strong and fast, and he was really trying to punch Bruce’s brains in. But Bruce just methodically took him apart. Bruce kept moving so well, this kid couldn’t touch him…Then all of a sudden, Bruce got him and rammed his ass into the wall and swept him, he proceeded to drop his knee into his opponent’s chest, locked his arm out straight, and nailed him in the face repeatedly.

There’s no real account of what happened after that, but I’ll bet you this $3 bill it wasn’t then the extra got up and kicked the shit out of Bruce. Violence solved yet another problem: douchebaggery on the set.

5. Would-be Burglar Shot.

Another example of how effective violence can be is the burglar in Jackson, MS, who can now see through all the holes in his body. Granted, this makes for a cool bar trick when you’re trying to impress ladies by blowing smoke through your new orifii – but I like to look on the bright side, and something tells me this guy’s not as happy about the holes as an optimist would be.

The story, according to WLBT3 News, is that the resident returned home to find his door busted open sometime in July. Unlike less NRA-inclined citizens, who would just call the cops, this guy pulled a gun and made damn fucking sure he wasn’t getting robbed.

If you’re planning on becoming a burglar, here’s lesson one: don’t fucking rob Charlton Heston.

Apparently, after he called in the report, police found the burglar hiding in a culvert and bleeding from multiple gunshot wounds. I suspect he was probably crying like a bitch, too, and wondering why the hell he didn’t just get a job like everyone else, instead of trying to rob people in Mississippi. Seriously, douche, everyone in Mississippi has a gun. What the hell were you thinking?

Conclusion

The whole idea that violence never solves problems is bullshit. The question is not whether or not violence is an effective way of making people do what you want; it’s how moral of a decision it is to force your viewpoints on someone at the end of a gun.

The fact of the matter is, sometimes violence is necessary. While it might not be okay to use violence to shut up the noisy prick in front of you at the movies (though tempting), if Nazis are dragging your wife off to a concentration camp because she might be a Gypsy, shoot them! Problem solved. If your government is ruled by a despot and they impose tyranny on the citizenry, fight back – unless it’s a powerful developed nation like the U.S., anyway. Then you’re pretty much boned if you try to use violence.

But the point is, sure violence solves problems. While I’m all for turning the other cheek when reasonable, sometimes you’ve just got to take off the gloves and throw down, and I don’t mean a fucking dance-off.

If you teach your kids violence is never the answer, they might be unemployed and high, like this guy.

So yes, by all means, teach your children to use violence as a last resort, but Jesus Christ, don’t turn them into a bunch of panty-waisted flower hippies by convincing them that violence is never justified.

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