Take No Prisoners

Seven Reasons I Might Strangle Someone One Day

In case you hadn’t noticed, there are a lot of reasons to dislike people. If you’re anything like me, you can’t stand about 90% of the assholes you meet on a daily basis. At some point, I asked myself just why is it that most people are so damn irritating? Well, I think I’ve dug up at least a few things people do that really piss me off, and they should piss you off too – mostly because I said so. So if you find yourself reading this and realize, hey, I do that, then fucking stop it, or you’re an asshole.

1. People who would rather text message than talk should have their fingers broken.

Have you ever had one of those friends who likes to write Bible-sized text messages on their cell phone, or carry on deep, philosophical discussions through text? Hey, dick, why not dial the fucking number and use your voice instead? I like the convenience of text messages as much as the next guy… for sending simple messages to people in situations where I can’t really talk on the phone, or where they cannot make it to the phone right away to talk. If you’re anything like me, that retarded keyboard on the number pad makes you feel like you have two left hands, and both of them are broken. Unfortunately, now they’ve come out with those big-ass phones with the built in QWERTY keyboard. These should be banned for contributing to global stupidity. Last I checked, there’s not a rash of muteness plaguing North America, so what the hell is your problem?

What Could Go Wrong

I’m no medical expert or professional manicurist, but reliable sources tell me that this is what can happen if you send too damn many text messages:

Some dude’s sick ass hands after way too much texting. This could be you!

Worst Case Scenario

As if the above wasn’t reason enough to cease this excessive text messaging bullshit, can you imagine life without masturbation? I’m gonna take a guess and say 100% of the folks reading this like the occasional bout of self abuse. Well, something tells me the fellow in the above photo won’t be doing too much of that anymore with that mangled minimus in the way.

2. If you use hands-free cell phone technology and your hands aren’t on the wheel of a moving vehicle, you’re a jerk.

You heard me. If you’re one of these twats who walks around with your Bluetooth gear hanging around your face like you’re some kind of secret agent, talking to your mom about her trip to the gynecologist while you’re checking out the frozen food in Wal-Mart, someone should strangle you with a land-line. The one exception is when you’re driving (or if you really are a secret agent, I guess). But there’s an even better solution when you’re driving: don’t answer the damn phone until you get where you’re going. Stop acting like you can’t miss a call; you’re not that important.

What Can Go Wrong

We live in a dangerous time of terrorism, hurricanes, Republican conventions, and an array of other perils. Have you noticed the one common thread that unites almost all the organizers, bodyguards, and rescue workers in these catastrophes? That’s right: Bluetooth. Now imagine the confusion when you are innocently getting trashed on Bourbon Street, and BAM, a hurricane hits the Gulf Coast. Suddenly, a throng of screaming people are asking you what the fuck to do, where to go, and what the hell is going on. Talk about a buzz-kill.

Worst Case Scenario

As I write this, our Terrorism Alert Level is at Elevated. That might not scare you if you’re a Muslim, or a communist, but it sure scares me! Point is, I dunno about you, but if I were an Islamic terrorist, the first asshole I’d take out at the local air strip before hopping in a crop-duster full of anthrax is the guy who looks like a Secret Service Agent.

3. People who constantly have to reinforce how ‘c-ah-raaaazy’ they are should be treated as such.

Have you ever met one of these jokers that have to constantly assert how crazy they are, or how much crazier their family is than yours, just to make themselves seem unique and interesting? Most of these attention-hungry dimwits are completely bland and ordinary; they think that because they listen to too much Radiohead and often tell their mom to fuck off, they’re freaking insaaaaaane. Newsflash, asshole, you’re not crazy. Just annoying.

What Can Go Wrong

Have you ever met one of those excessively Goth sad clown motherfuckers covered in paint? My very reliable sources tell me that the disease we call Goth is actually caused by acting like a douche and pretending to be crazy too fucking much.

Keep pretending to be crazy, and you might end up like these asshats. Who pissed in your cornflakes, Darth Dipshit?

Worst Case Scenario

I might kick your ass. ’nuff said.

4. People who wear t-shirts with ‘witty’ slogans like ‘Bitch,’ ‘Sassy,’ or my favorite, ‘Slut,’ should be sent naked into the eye of the next Gulf Coast hurricane.

Originally, I wrote this as “women who wear. . .” Unfortunately, they’ve made their way into the wardrobes of far too many gay men, too. Now, I don’t really give a crap if guys want to wear women’s clothes, unless it’s these women’s clothes. They’re retarded no matter what equipment you have below the belt. The worst is when the slogan is completely inaccurate, i.e. the chick with buck teeth, bug-eyes, a dragon tattoo, and a t-shirt that says ‘Sexy’ in pink glitter. Jesus Christ, will someone just mace me so I can’t see it anymore?

What Can Go Wrong

Someone might actually take your crappy shirt seriously. I mean, what if you’re just strolling through the mall, and some cigar-smoking modeling agency exec spots you. You’re perfect for his next shoot. He’s about to sign you to his agency, but then notices the screaming red “Bitch” across the front of your shirt. Fuck that, he’s gonna hire your slightly less ugly friend with the white t-shirt that shows off her huge rack.

Worst Case Scenario

Americans have a tendency to adopt polar opposites when they realize something in society is being handled incorrectly. Way too many of these shirts have blatantly false advertising on them. So what happens when the American people demand the market fix itself? We have a rash of honest t-shirts flooding the market. The last thing we need is a bunch of bitchy women running around with shirts that say ‘Big Sandy Vagina’ on them.

5. People who show off all the cool shit they buy constantly should be shipped to some shitty communist hell-hole where they eat nothing but potatoes and drink raw sewage.

You remember when we were kids, and there was always the one kid with rich parents who got all the Ninja Turtles gear and had to rub it in your face? I thought they’d grow out of it, but unfortunately not. It’s worse now that we’re adults, too. When we were kids, it would take these jerks two minutes to show us how realistically Usagi Yojimbo could swing a two-inch plastic katana; now, they’ve got to ‘give you the tour,’ or ‘take you for a ride,’ or ‘show you all the bells and whistles.’ All of these are code words for: hey, look what I’ve got that your poor ass can’t afford. Dick.

What Can Go Wrong

Have you ever seen Eddie Murphy’s routine about how mean kids are to each other with ice cream? Sure, it’s real damn funny to pick on your poor friends when you’re a kid, but imagine you’re showing off your new X-Box 360 to your friend who is on welfare, and he breaks down crying because he can’t buy new diapers for his kid. Yeah, I bet you feel like a jerk now, don’t you?

Worst Case Scenario

Ever been robbed before? Show me all your cool shit and you can say ‘yes.’

6. People who tell you about movies, or shows endlessly should be forced to watch Steel Magnolias until they die of a Dolly Parton overdose.

I don’t think this one requires much explanation, but here’s a word of advice to all the people who do this: there’s a reason the whole book isn’t printed on the back cover, ass eyes.

What Can Go Wrong

I dunno about you, but I just get annoyed when someone tells me everything that happens in a movie. It’s why I never saw Passion of the Christ – I already knew the ending. You keep telling all your friends everything about your favorite movie, and pretty soon, your favorite director is going broke because none of them go see it.

Worst Case Scenario

A New York Times editor overhears you telling your friends how awesome Fried Green Tomatoes is. He hires you, and you find yourself spending the rest of your life as a movie critic for the Times. Everyone hates you.

7. And finally, people who replace legitimate curses with baby-talk should have their organs harvested to reincarnate George Carlin and Richard Pryor.

Have you ever been walking with someone, and they stub their toe and yell a forceful, “Shoot!” If you’re the guy yelling “shoot,” maybe you can answer a question for me: what the fuck is wrong with you!? In case you hadn’t noticed, I really like curse words. There’s a reason we have them. They’re colorful, and they get the point across better than any stupid euphemism you can come up with. To quote Sterling Johnson’s English as a Second F*cking Language, “it was good enough for Shakespeare, and it’s good enough for you.”

What’s even worse is when these douchebags want to impose their bullshit on you. I have a friend who says, “hey, it’s not God’s fault,” every time I use the word goddamnit. Fuck yes it is, asshole! I wouldn’t have stubbed my toe on that chair if I hadn’t been stoned out of my damn mind. Last time I checked, God invented the crap. Must be his damn fault.

What Can Go Wrong

One day, you’re going to drop a fucking piano on your foot. You ever moved a piano? You’re not going to say ‘Gadzooks!’ or some other Adam West bullshit. You’re going to scream ‘fuck!’ and then you’re just another big, fat hypocrite. Adam West hates hypocrisy.

Worst Case Scenario

So you’re stuck in line listening some some dumb bitch with “Princess” on her pants, right where it should say “Caution: Wide Load,” who’s reciting the entire dialog of Disaster Movie to her friends through her Bluetooth headset. You tell her to shut the **** up because you’re some no-swearing wuss, and suddenly her cockbiter of a boyfriend quits text messaging just long enough to tell you how fucking craaaazy he is before burying his boot up your ass. And all you had to do to stop the bullshit was say, “I wasn’t talking to you, cock-breath, so shut the fuck up and go back to painting your fucking nails before I knock your nuts into your colon, drag you out of here by your hair, and skullfuck you in the parking lot.” But you didn’t. Because you’re a pussy. *

Conclusion

All of this is bullshit, and it needs to stop. You’re not important enough to need a phone at every moment of the day; you’re not sexy enough to warrant your own t-shirt; your shit isn’t even cool enough for me to go through your half-hour tour without wanting to hack my own head off with a saw.

Listen, I’m not saying you can’t do any of this crap if you really enjoy being a twat, just expect to be treated like a dimwit if you do it around me. There’s actually a lot more than seven things that piss me off (people who think their face is a tackle-box, for instance), but seven is a good number to stop at. Some pagans believe seven is a number of power; hopefully it will give me enough power to not strangle the next asshole who says ‘gosh dang it’ around me.

*kudos to Kavan on this. That pussy goth pissed his pants when he threatened to skullfuck him.

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