Take No Prisoners

The Canadian Election for Dummies

Warning: The following post contains excessive, adolescent profanity. Just thinking about Canadian politics makes me want to propose creative new sequences of curses.

Unlike in the U.S. where the election run-up lasts for years, things happen faster in Canada. This weekend, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper dissolved Parliament and called an election for October 14. As in next month. So here is what’s going on, and why you, the international community, should give a shit.

Canada has four major parties (the Liberals, the PCs, the NDP and the Bloc) and lots of smaller parties (like the Green Party and the Marijuana Party). Of the four Major parties, only the Liberals and the PCs really have a chance in hell of winning a majority, but all four major parties win enough seats to have some influence.

At the moment, the PCs, NDP and one independent guy have formed a tenuous alliance to barely, and I mean barely, create a controlling majority. Given that the NDP is basically a socialist, labour party and the PCs are a free-market, big-business-oriented conservative party, it should come as no surprise that nothing’s getting done. So let’s see, who’s the best choice to lead Canada?

Stephen Harper and the PCs

Harper is a cunt. A gay bashing, misogynistic, war mongering, corporation loving, christian fundamentalist, cunt. And he’s an economist. The reason you haven’t head much Canadian political news lately is not just because you don’t live here, it’s because there hasn’t been any. Why? Because Harper has a gag order on his entire fucking party so nobody will communicate anything to the press. The PCs also haven’t consulted the public about any of their bills, most notably the copyright bill. Since being elected they have not addressed any of the big issues, such as Canadian soldiers getting killed in Afghanistan, long wait times for medical procedures, our oppressively high taxes or even the army of crazy homeless people who are just itching to ruin the Vancouver Olympics.

Stephane Dion and the Liberals

The Liberal Party of Canada is more or less in the center of the political spectrum here, and as such, has been in power pretty often in the past 100 years or so. If you’d asked me five years ago, I would have said they could have done a lot worse. Then they put this unelectable douchebag Dion in charge. For all I know, Dion could be a great leader. He’s not religious. He had a doctorate in sociology and studied public administration and organizational analysis and theory. His wife is also an academic, an expert in strategy and counterterrorism no less, unlike some of the twats you see standing next to the Bush’s and McCain’s of the world. Basically the guy is a professor of political science and has 10 years of experience as a minister in the Canadian cabinet. But for reasons I don’t fucking understand, when you put him in a debate, he comes off like one of the seven dwarfs. Dopey.

Jack Layton and the NDP

Jack Layton and the NDP want to “renegotiate” (by which they mean shred, burn and bury) NAFTA, raise taxes and make the country more socialist. Nobody can predict the future, but I’m just saying that these guys don’t understand economics very well, and whatever prosperity Canada has enjoyed lately will probably go down the drain like yesterday’s semen when the NDP finishes jerking off the country.

Gilles Duceppe and the Bloc Québécois

Put simply, they want to break up the country. Fuck that.

Conclusion

To sum up, if the country’s smart, they’ll elect the Liberals. Can the Liberals fix our busted-ass healthcare system? Our lagging education system? Our reliance on the US economy? Probably not. But at least they probably won’t make matters worse. I can even understand people voting NDP, sort of, but anyone who votes PC is off his fucking head. And as for the Bloc… well like I said, fuck those separatist whiney bitches.

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