Guys, have you ever been waiting in a dentist’s office, looking through an issue of Cosmo and laughing your ass off at the terrible advice women give other women about how to reinvigorate their sex lives? So have I.
So ladies, I’m going to tell you what he really wants – what will really work. You can say it’s sexist all you want, but I’m a pragmatist, and pragmatically speaking, all these by-women-for-women articles have more to do with women’s desires than men’s, so they just don’t work. If you really want to get him going, here’s what you do.
1. Go to the Gym
Fat isn’t sexy. The inability to walk up a hill without wheezing isn’t sexy. Being strong enough to push your man off his feet onto a couch so you can rip his pants off IS sexy.
2. Take a Pole Dancing Class
… or a belly-dancing class, or learn the dance of the seven veils. Most guys are not interested in taking ballroom dancing with you. Taking a dance class together is about your need for intimacy. He’s just bored and feeling silly. So if you want to dance, go learn to dance in a way he’ll find sexy. Then practice at home.
3. Welcome him Home in a French Maid Costume
Or a school-girl outfit. Or a prostitute costume. Or whatever get up you think he’ll like. You can always try several. Anything involving a short skirt, a corset and no underwear will probably do the job. Naked doesn’t work as well. You need to have something he can pull off you. That formal evening dress that you think makes you look good is not going to work. If he wants slutty, give him slutty.
4. Get a Boob Job
Unless you have D’s or bigger, getting breast augmentation will probably put him right over the moon. Even if you think he’s an ass man, even if he is an ass man, bigger breasts will help. Don’t believe me? Float it too him. Better, ask his best friend if you think it would make a good birthday present.
5. Bring a Friend
You know that friend of yours you’re convinced he’s fantasizing about? Instead of glaring at him every time you catch him staring, invite her over for a threesome. Even the suggestion will drive him bat-shit crazy with lust.
Disclaimer
These suggestions won’t work for every single guy, but at least one of them will work for most guys. The key to juicing your sex life is to temporarily forget about your fantasies and playing out his. After you’ve reinvigorated your relationship, then you can ask him to play to your fantasies.
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According to this, women have to act like whores.
@wow, whores have sex with people they don’t know for money. Women acting in a sexually liberated way is only seen as whore-like because our ever-screwed-up god-fearing patriarchy has been demonizing and vilifying women for two thousand years.
@Kavan _ Hats off my friend!! It does seem our society stereotypes women who are sexually open minded as being promiscuous. Not sure, but this might be another point for Riley’s “Five More Good Reasons to Expatriate” post. Maybe some of your readers from across the pond can chime in.
Well you seem to be saying that they HAVE TO act this way in order to impress a guy. I’ve no problem with them acting that way if they choose, but the idea that they have to act that way to impress a man is a different story.
@Rick, thanks. Yes, if Riley wasn’t still recovering from hurricane Gustav at the moment, I’m sure he would agree.
@wow, where did I say they *have to?* I believe I said “If you really want to get him going, here’s what you do.” I’m simply giving pragmatic suggestions. Nobody’s holding a gun to anyone’s head and ordering them around.
how about the guy learning to be more creative in bed as he goes to the gym to workout to make his body better in his learn to dance like a chippendale’s dancer class. so fucking sexist i can’t believe it. your missive implies that if something is broke it’s the women’s place to fix it.
now if more men promoted that idea out in the world instead of the bedroom we might actually see a radical shift in things.
asshole.
@Prowler,
If it’s the man who perceives the problem and wants to fix it, he should seek the advice of women who understand what will excite other women. Being male, I can only give advice to women as to what will excite men. I am not qualified to advise men on how to excite women.
I am providing pragmatically effective advice, without judgment as to who’s at fault or what’s gone wrong. Don’t get pissy with me because my suggestions offend your bullshit sense of propriety. My suggestions are not sexist. It’s your own sexism that causes you to perceive me as suggesting that problems are mostly or always the woman’s fault. I never said that.
Of course I would expect you to say that.
Men set the rules the world over and if you deny that then you are just bullshiting. So women feel it is always their place to fix everything, make things all right if something is wrong. Worry about the relationship etc. It seldom happens the other way around. Now if the playing field were level I could agree with your bullshit answer.
@Prowler, for fucksake, no where did I state or imply that it’s the woman’s job to fix the relationship. If I gave advice male-specific advice on tracking multiple targets in a 1st person shooter, would you claim that I’m saying playing video games is a man’s job? No. I don’t know where you’re getting this. As I said before, you’re projecting your own (quite-justifiable) insecurity about the role of women onto my advice.
I thought this was really helpful and I plan on trying some of these suggestions.
Though, I’m not really sure why Prowler is getting so worked up. This wasn’t an attack on women or sexist at all… I’m not really understanding why there was so much digging into this article’s deeper meanings and insinuations. I’m pretty sure it was just what he called it, advice… There was even a disclaimer, “…you can ask him to play to your fantasies.”
But HEY, it’s quite possible that I’m way off.
@Dara, you are dead on. I’m glad somebody gets it.
Right on Kavan. My girl is always sending me Cosmo articles about “The 10 Secret Things Men Want” written by some woman. I start going through each item and 1.) pointing out why it is wrong, 2.) why I can tell it was written by a woman, and 3.) how it could be changed to advocate the original intention of the article.
@Prowler, for christsake, this entry wasn’t about removing woman’s suffrage and whoring your woman for extra income. It was a satire on girly magazine authors writing about subjects they have no business writing about.
@Jason,
HAHAHA! The average intelligence of my readers is climbing…
fuck men and fuck doing anything likethese suggestions to get them off. men should try to satisfy their woman first. dumb pigs
I find it somehow cathartic when people reveal their insecurity and lack of insight by responding to satire with serious vitriol…
man, i was really get into this site …
why prowler and fuckyou are spitting vitriol
the article pays homage to a lot of damaging, subjective ways-of-thought.
yah men do seem to be attracted to bigger boobs. but i can guarantee that fake boobs disgust a significant percentage of males.
you might as well say, go lighten your skin, bc pragmatically/statistically speaking, men tend to be attracted to fairer women.
i’m not correcting you. if this article accurately portrays you and the guys you know, or think you know, that that’s that. but in letting your genitalia speak the mind shouldn’t be short-circuited. And on that note, i’ve noticed sex is spiciest when your’e into the person’s insides (hah, a pun!). i do like the freacking-uncontrallable-hot sex but it gets old. intimacy is spiciest.
The message you give, whether on an emotional or logical level, is cold, objective, inadequacy.
i like satire but keep it smart. a thought: check your privilege.
@n,
Our culture has made a habit of vilifying natural characteristics of men and women – e.g., men aren’t supposed to like younger women and women aren’t supposed to like sex. This has caused immense psychological and emotional harm for hundreds of years. Part of philosophizing about ethics is abandoning meaningless taboos and naming unethical only those things that actually cause harm. Wanting to have sex with multiple young, fit, full-breasted, kinky women is not a sign of mental disease, it is the natural state of men from age 14 to dead. People who have a problem with this are not ‘sophisticated,” or “feminist,” they are denying evolutionary biology.
#5 Is absolute bullshit!!!!
If he wants to be with someone else, he can go right ahead, just don’t involve me.
I don’t want to see my man screw someone else, and I don’t want him constantly comparing me to someone else. Having a threesome invites all kinds of trouble. I am perfectly willing to do anything else for my man but this…that should be enough.