Take No Prisoners

Five More Good Reasons to Expatriate

Last week, I gave a few good reasons to get the hell out of America. Originally, I’d intended to keep the list down to five, but why stop there? There are almost as many reasons to expatriate as there are awesome facts about Chuck Norris. Here’s a few more:

1. You’ll have longer vacations… in MALLORCA.

One of my friends recently went on a vacation. She drove to Fredericksburg, Texas. You know where Fredericksburg is? Me either, because it sucks. Meanwhile, my friends in Germany get to take kickass vacations to Hungary and Mallorca.

Not only that, but they get to take those kickass vacations for longer. I don’t know about you, but I’d like longer vacations in Mallorca. Or maybe France. Hell, anywhere but Fredericksburg, Texas.

2. Your food will be better, but you won’t be fat.

Let’s face it, American food is terrible. The only reason you can stand the vile taste of a Big Mac is because you probably haven’t had frikadellen, or a delicious doner kebap.

Doner kebap – the most awesome Turkish food that they sell on every damn street corner in Europe.

Not only is the food awesome, but you won’t get fat eating it, either. America is the fattest country in the world, and our food doesn’t even taste very good. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather eat refried camel nuts than a hot dog.

3. You’ll have a much better chance of being on equal footing with your neighbors.

Income is distributed much more evenly in many developed nations than here in the USA. Here, the top one percent of the nation hold nearly 40 percent of the nation’s wealth. Meanwhile, other countries in Europe (as well as Canada) tend to have more even pay – in other words, you won’t drive through some grimy ghetto full of poor people, turn a corner, and run into Al Gore’s mansion. Just check out this list. Now, I realize all you die-hard free market capitalists probably don’t think this is a good thing, but you’re wrong. Get over it.

4. Europe will kick you out for being too damn religious.

Alright, so I realize I already covered the lack of strong religious beliefs in Europe, but just to get the point across, consider the fact that France has actually barred someone from entering their country because she was too damn religious. Meanwhile, my sister’s Darwin fish got her car keyed in the Bible belt. If only we could kick the Baptists out of this country, we might be alright. Added benefit: less incest.

5. You’ll be a happier person!

What better way to judge a country than by how happy its citizens are? The World Map of Happiness is an attempt by British researchers to assess just how happy people are around the world. They’ve found that happiness is contingent on a few things – the level of people below the poverty line, the prevalence of disease, whether healthcare is nationalized and available, etc. Another interesting note is that the study was done as a result of a national sentiment in England that the government should be just as concerned with creating happiness as wealth.

The USA falls farther down the list than most Americans would believe, trailing behind many of the socialized Scandinavian nations, Canada – hell, even the United Arab Emirates. I never thought I’d say this, but boy, I’d love to be as happy as those cats in the UAE.


One should keep in mind that the USA may not be at the bottom of the list on all these items. Sure, we might fare a little better on the Map of Happiness than Germany because of severe immigration problems; yes, we may have lower gas prices than Europe or Canada; absolutely, Denmark has a higher crime rate than we do. But taken altogether, America’s ranking on the ten items discussed in this and last week’s post is pretty dismal. If you live in a crappy house, you move out when you can; why do we treat which country we choose to live in any different?

Does this mean you should just up and ditch America if you truly love the country of your birth? No. But it does mean we should strive as a nation to make it better. Until America stands up and, like Britain’s people did, demand that their government start worrying about Gross Domestic Well-being as well as Gross Domestic Product, the grass truly will always be greener on the other side.

So if you’re patient, and tenacious, and willing to rally the nation behind you, I commend you. Stick it out and make this place suck just a little bit less. Me? I’m not very patient, so I think I might just bail, instead.