The War On Bullshit

Last week, I gave a few good reasons to get the hell out of America. Originally, I’d intended to keep the list down to five, but why stop there? There are almost as many reasons to expatriate as there are awesome facts about Chuck Norris. Here’s a few more:

1. You’ll have longer vacations… in MALLORCA.

One of my friends recently went on a vacation. She drove to Fredericksburg, Texas. You know where Fredericksburg is? Me either, because it sucks. Meanwhile, my friends in Germany get to take kickass vacations to Hungary and Mallorca.

Not only that, but they get to take those kickass vacations for longer. I don’t know about you, but I’d like longer vacations in Mallorca. Or maybe France. Hell, anywhere but Fredericksburg, Texas.

2. Your food will be better, but you won’t be fat.

Let’s face it, American food is terrible. The only reason you can stand the vile taste of a Big Mac is because you probably haven’t had frikadellen, or a delicious doner kebap.

Doner kebap - the most awesome Turkish food that they sell on every damn street corner in Europe.

Not only is the food awesome, but you won’t get fat eating it, either. America is the fattest country in the world, and our food doesn’t even taste very good. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather eat refried camel nuts than a hot dog.

3. You’ll have a much better chance of being on equal footing with your neighbors.

Income is distributed much more evenly in many developed nations than here in the USA. Here, the top one percent of the nation hold nearly 40 percent of the nation’s wealth. Meanwhile, other countries in Europe (as well as Canada) tend to have more even pay - in other words, you won’t drive through some grimy ghetto full of poor people, turn a corner, and run into Al Gore’s mansion. Just check out this list. Now, I realize all you die-hard free market capitalists probably don’t think this is a good thing, but you’re wrong. Get over it.

4. Europe will kick you out for being too damn religious.

Alright, so I realize I already covered the lack of strong religious beliefs in Europe, but just to get the point across, consider the fact that France has actually barred someone from entering their country because she was too damn religious. Meanwhile, my sister’s Darwin fish got her car keyed in the Bible belt. If only we could kick the Baptists out of this country, we might be alright. Added benefit: less incest.

5. You’ll be a happier person!

What better way to judge a country than by how happy its citizens are? The World Map of Happiness is an attempt by British researchers to assess just how happy people are around the world. They’ve found that happiness is contingent on a few things - the level of people below the poverty line, the prevalence of disease, whether healthcare is nationalized and available, etc. Another interesting note is that the study was done as a result of a national sentiment in England that the government should be just as concerned with creating happiness as wealth.

The USA falls farther down the list than most Americans would believe, trailing behind many of the socialized Scandinavian nations, Canada - hell, even the United Arab Emirates. I never thought I’d say this, but boy, I’d love to be as happy as those cats in the UAE.

Conclusion

One should keep in mind that the USA may not be at the bottom of the list on all these items. Sure, we might fare a little better on the Map of Happiness than Germany because of severe immigration problems; yes, we may have lower gas prices than Europe or Canada; absolutely, Denmark has a higher crime rate than we do. But taken altogether, America’s ranking on the ten items discussed in this and last week’s post is pretty dismal. If you live in a crappy house, you move out when you can; why do we treat which country we choose to live in any different?

Does this mean you should just up and ditch America if you truly love the country of your birth? No. But it does mean we should strive as a nation to make it better. Until America stands up and, like Britain’s people did, demand that their government start worrying about Gross Domestic Well-being as well as Gross Domestic Product, the grass truly will always be greener on the other side.

So if you’re patient, and tenacious, and willing to rally the nation behind you, I commend you. Stick it out and make this place suck just a little bit less. Me? I’m not very patient, so I think I might just bail, instead.

I’m short on time this week, so in lieu of a post, I give you Christopher Wright explaining the essence of End User License Agreements (through his mouthpiece, Viktor Schreck, the Vampire-lawyer). Click the pic for a larger version.

Have you ever been in an argument with someone over some bullshit the U.S. government is doing (like invading sovereign nations), and the dipshit you’re debating tells you that you should be shipped off to some socialist/communist/Islamic/oppressive/European country? Next time that happens, maybe you should consider it a good idea and ship yourself off. Here’s five good reasons why being an expatriate American may just be better than being a U.S. citizen. Many of these points assume you’re not moving to some AIDS-ridden third-world country, and are expatriating to Canada or one of the many socialized nations in the European Union.

1. You’re less likely to be robbed, raped, beaten or shot.

Generally speaking, other developed nations have lower crime rates than we do, according to UN crime rate statistics. The United Kingdom, Denmark, and Finland are exceptions (as well as a host of crappy undeveloped nations) - these countries do have higher crime rates than the United States. Don’t worry, though, there’s still plenty of places that offer a safe alternative - most of the EU, for instance, or Canada, our friendly neighbors to the north. Hell, you could even move to Yemen or Russia if you’re just looking for a lower crime rate.

2. You won’t feel the gas crunch nearly as much.

I’ve already discussed in previous posts how other countries are not affected nearly as much as we are by the rising cost of gasoline. Sure, they pay even higher prices than we do at the pump; that’s why the first thing you do when you move is sell the damn car! Though there are big parts of Canada where this doesn’t hold true, chances are if you head across the big lake to Europe, you’ll find you don’t even need a car. In fact, in many cases, it’s a bigger inconvenience than it is a boon. It’s easier to take the incredibly efficient public transit, or even hop on a bicycle for the scenic route. Most countries in Europe are scooter-friendly, too, so you can look dorky but save a ton of money on gas by putting around on a Vespa. Imagine all the cash you could save right now if you could just stop taking your car to work - personally, I’d pocket an extra $160 a month, and I live within five miles of my job. Unfortunately, it’s only a dream for many living outside the major metropolises in the United States.

3. You won’t face the burden of listening to people talk about their faith.

Alright, so this is more of a personal benefit for rational atheists like myself. Being an atheist in Europe is pretty nice. Very rarely will a European confront you about faith. You won’t have some Bible-beater blaring a megaphone in your ear while you’re having a beer at Oktoberfest in Munich. Ask the Naked Cowboy if you can say the same about Bourbon Street.

However, the benefits of a secular state don’t just affect nonbelievers. Our very own founding fathers knew the wisdom of keeping church and state separate, though in practice they did not do a perfect job of implementing it. It prevents discrimination against both believers and nonbelievers; it does not allow the rights of one group of believers to take precedence over another group. Unfortunately, faith has become a major factor in U.S. elections. It’s doubtful a presidential candidate who did not profess Christianity could win any time in the foreseeable future.

Ironically, many EU nations to which you might expatriate do not have the same clause about separation of church and state which we follow in the United States. They’ve just managed to collectively not give a shit about religion for long enough that the same religious apathy has leaked into their public policy making.

4. Castles kick ass.

Let’s face it: the scenery matters. This is the reason I’m thinking Europe > Canada, assuming this whole Russo-Georgian conflict dies down in the near future. Castles seriously rock, and it would behoove you to live near one so you can see how awesome they are.

Ronneburg Castle, Hessen, Germany. It has a catapult on the other side, just in case you question how much ass it kicks.

5. You’ll live longer.

As if castles and a lower crime rate aren’t awesome enough reasons to leave America, there’s the higher life expectancy the United Nations report in many other countries. Canada, the UK, the EU - all have higher life expectancies. Meanwhile, the United States falls at number 38 on the list - just below Cuba and just above the bustling nation of Portugal. Seriously, people, Cuba does better than us on keeping people alive?

We can argue about the benefits of socialized medicine all we want to, rehashing every argument Michael Moore or Ronald Reagan could drum up for or against it, but the fact remains that folks tend to live longer in all those evil socialist countries to which conservatives so fervently wish to ship all us libs. Even if every perceived evil of socialized medicine is true, they’re still doing their job better than we are, if you consider that job keeping folks’ tickers ticking for longer.

Conclusion

Originally, I’d intended to keep this list down to five good reasons. Unfortunately for any American nationalists reading this, I came up with a lot more than five reasons, so we’ll save the next five for next week. Let’s just hope the Bush croneys don’t ship me off to Gitmo before I get around to posting them.