Take No Prisoners

Dear Americans, 21 Reasons why the World Thinks You’re Idiots.

This may come as a shock, but most people I know think that Americans are, in general, idiots. I don’t mean idiots in the technical sense of having low IQs, but in the everyday sense of not understanding basic ideas, not reflecting on one’s own hypocrisies and falling prey to blatant logical errors. Although smart Americans do exists (I know several), the majority are perceived, by the international community, to be about as deep and thoughtful as the plot of a Michael Bay film. Here are some reasons why:

1. Stopping people from bringing too much shampoo on an airplane when you can arm a militia at Walmart.

2. Choosing to waste the world’s resources, thousands of your dollars and years of your life sitting in your car, worrying about dying in a pileup and screaming at the bastard who just cut you off, instead of just living closer to work and taking the bus.

3. Being in favor of wars and against euthanasia, because people who want to die shouldn’t be allowed, but people who don’t want to die should obviously be killed.

4. Bill O’Reilly.

5. Other assholes who pretend to be journalists to advance their own radical viewpoints.

6. Calling any intelligent person who runs for office an elitist, because it’s clearly better to have an brainless alcoholic who knows nothing about the economy, foreign affairs, war or the environment run the country.

7. Wanting big house and lawns, only to complain about cleaning the house and mowing the lawn.

8. Allowing the country to be run by the National Fascist Party, who for marketing reasons call themselves “Republicans”

9. The position that America must have a huge nuclear arsenal to protect itself, but any other country who tries to build nukes to protect itself (from America, no doubt) is “a terrorist state.”

10. Fixed News, who call themselves “Fox News” and wage an unending war on reason while Pirate Lord Murdoch makes real journalists walk the plank.

11. Believe in talking snakes (Genesis), flying bodily up to Heaven, Women shouldn’t wear gold or pearls (Timothy 2:9), don’t covet your neighbor’s slaves (Ten Commandments) and so on.

12. Anti-rationalism and anti-science – anyone who rejects ‘reasons’ and ‘evidence’ is based on this evidence, an idiot.

13. Reality TV

14. If you say something bad about Jews, you’re an anti-semetic racist fuckhead, but if you say something bad about Muslims, you’re patriotic. Meanwhile, the real-life Lord Dracula was an agent of the Pope.

15. Constantly yammering about how great America is when it’s only number one in carbon dioxide emissions and number of prisoners.

16. Thinking that people are evil because they fight back after you invade without provocation, topple their government and start building military bases throughout their land.

17. Thinking that buying lead-coated barbie dolls from china with money you borrowed from Japan will magically fix your economy.

18. Not noticing that all the “enhanced security measures” implemented by your government under the guise of protection are surely intended to control their own populace.

19. Being against stem cell research and vaccinating girls against HPV, because obviously the talking snake wants people to die of Alzheimer’s and cancer.

20. Believing that peace can be spread through violence as if life is an action movie and all Americans are played by Sly Stallone.

And finally,

21. If you are one of the 40 or 50 million Americans who can’t afford insurance, and your child gets leukemia, your little boy or girl will not get needed treatment and he or she will most likely die. But you still think that “socialized medicine” is somehow a bad thing, and besides, you’re too busy complaining about the price of a tank of gas.