Take No Prisoners

Three Simple Reasons Not to Arm College Kids

Once again, public policy is being manipulated by people who watch too many action movies. In light of the recent events at Virginia Tech, a number of states, including Virginia and Louisiana, unfortunately my home-state, are considering a brilliant new law to deal with the problem of shootings on college campuses: allowing students and teachers with the proper licenses to carry concealed handguns with them to class. You heard me: concealed handguns in classrooms.

State Representative Ernest Wooten of Belle Chasse, La. (where there must be some serious inbreeding going on) has proposed that we arm more people on campuses – not just allowing guns in dormitories, but allowing students with the proper licenses to carry concealed handguns to their classes. In Virginia, NRA representatives have pushed legislation to allow basically the same thing. Under this proposal, college kids would be required to carry weapons to school.

Ted Nugent. Who needs photoshop when the world is populated by so many idiots?

I’ll make this real easy for you to figure out. Here’s three simple reasons why arming college kids is about the dumbest idea any statesman has proposed since Hitler decided Russia was worth invading.

3. Psychos are not deterred by guns.

Now, I realize that you and I, the average Joes, are pretty terrified of having our brains blown out. The college kid who decides shooting up a college campus is the best way to solve problems is, however, not the average Joe. Just consider a couple of the most recent examples of how these nuts commit suicide after shooting up a school:

Stephen Kazmierczak shot seven classmates and then himself at Northern Illinois University.

Cho Seung-Hui killed 32 schoolmates and then himself at Virginia Tech.

Right here in Louisiana, a nursing student shot and killed two women and then herself at the Louisiana Technical College. It’s pretty obvious to me that anyone deranged enough to shoot up a school is not going to be deterred by somebody’s concealed Beretta.

2. College guys are often on the prowl for a fight anyway. I don’t know if you remember your college daze as well as I do, but I recall most college-age guys putting off enough testosterone to intimidate the starting line of the Dallas Cowboys. Just think back on all the stupid reasons guys in their 20s beat each other senseless. I know, you’re saying, “but we arm our soldiers at that age!” Yeah, but soldiers and law enforcement are trained to use guns. We’ll look at that more in a moment. First, let’s look at a very typical college scene.

Greg just failed his College Algebra exam. He’s not doing as well as he needs to in order to stay on the track team, and he’s having a pretty bad day. Rufus is, unfortunately, the guy who gives him a reason; Greg catches Rufus laughing with Greg’s girlfriend Alice as they do homework together in the Student Union. In the good, old-fashioned, Andy Griffith version of this scene, Greg lashes out with a mean right cross and knocks Rufus’s block off.

In the Dick Cheney-sanctioned version of this scene, Greg reaches to the small of his back, pulls out the .45 tucked under his shirt, and blows Rufus and Alice’s brains out. Greg runs, but realizes after burning off the adrenaline that he has just killed his girlfriend, and shoots himself in the head. Unfortunately, Greg does not die – he just suffers massive brain damage and is then elected President. …well, I guess I was wrong on that one. Things worked out better for Greg in Scene II, right?

1. And the number one reason this is the dumbest crap I’ve ever seen: guns in untrained hands = chaos. Alright, we’ve seen on the news what happens when just one irate student opens fire on a college classroom. Can you imagine the devastation if there had been guns in the hands of five or ten classmates – all untrained in the use of a firearm? It would be a war-zone – worse, a war-zone full of idiots who can’t use a gun properly.

Imagine the devastation if one guy walks in brandishing a pistol, and eight people in the back row decide to take him down before he can hurt someone. In a matter of seconds, everyone in the front of the class is on the floor, dead.


This has got to be the stupidest shit I have ever seen anybody suggest. After Columbine, parents just said we had to stop letting our kids listen to devil music and we needed to censor everything. Now, Dick Cheney and Ted Nugent would have us believe we need to put more guns in schools. Do these morons really think a bunch of untrained, testosterone-laden college kids will be able to prevent more deaths when these shootings happen?

It seems like the theory is, if pantywaist liberal professors cannot protect our kids, let them protect themselves. Someone needs to tell Cheney that the flaw in this logic is that it is not a college administrator’s job to protect our students. That’s what campus police are for, you Darth Vader look-alike imbecile. Come to think of it, why would anyone even consider any gun law proposed by the guy who shot his hunting partner!?