The War On Bullshit

Ben Stein, of Ferris Bueller fame, has finally done something to make me forget how much I enjoyed his droning hilarity in that film. He has brought so-called intelligent design to the forefront of public conversation once more, reviving one of the most widely-accepted hoaxes in the history of mankind.

This latest bit of nonsense is called Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, and features Stein interviewing a host of supposed academics and scientists, disgruntled because they are ostracized from academics because of their belief in a concept called ‘intelligent design,’ which, despite its name, is a theory featuring very little intelligence. Theatres showing the film are scarce (thankfully), so I have yet to see the documentary, but that’s not my concern for this week. My concern is intelligent design, and this notion that Stein and his fans have that this is somehow a valid theory worthy of merit or even consideration, when the truth is, the so-called academics who believe in it should be ostracized and laughed at. Let’s look at this ‘theory’ a little closer.

Intelligent Design vs. Evolution
Intelligent design is the belief that the development of life on Earth was guided by some intelligent being, rather than being governed by the random processes of inheritance, mutation, and natural selection. It is based strongly in a belief that god, or some incarnation of it, created the universe and has guided the development of mankind and, indeed, all species of animal on Earth. This is in opposition with the currently accepted theory of species development: neo-Darwinian evolution.

I’m going to go ahead and dumb this down, so you biologists out there, just keep quiet as I put things in layman’s terms. To the neo-Darwinian scientists, things happen something like this: cells randomly mutate all the time. Sometimes those mutations end up favorable to the life-form (i.e. beans gaining a resistance to a certain bug), and thus that life-form is able to reproduce more offspring and pass on that trait. In the same way, organisms which develop unfavorable mutations die out before they can reproduce, thus killing those bad genes off.

Theory vs. Bullshit
Neo-Darwinian evolution is what one calls a scientific ‘theory.’ Now, in common lingo, a theory can be just about any conjecture or opinion. In science, however, a theory is a testable prediction of natural phenomenon based on observable facts.

Neo-Darwinian evolution, for instance, is a theory to predict how new life-forms develop from old ones, based on facts from the fossil record and much of the work done in genetics and geological research. It is testable by looking at the fossils of connected species, and in fact, some of the more extraordinary research being done actually shows the evolution of quick-growing bacteria in action.

Here’s where we get to the big pile of smelly bullshit: intelligent design. Proponents of this theory say there’s nothing to explain where life began, and they argue that there are too many coincidences and improbabilities for evolution to occur randomly. While it is true that we have little evidence supporting any theories of how life began, deifying our own ignorance and calling it ‘god’ is not a scientific solution.

Intelligent design proponents try to replace all that is unknown with some vague deity. This does not create a valid scientific theory. This is superstition masked as science; theology pretending to be biology. God cannot be tested, seen, heard, or even smelled. To the scientist, it does not exist, as there is absolutely no evidence to support its existence.

Expelled for no Intelligence
Stein’s documentary makes the argument that academics who subscribe to intelligent design have been unfairly treated: ridiculed, not taken seriously, and even fired. I argue that they were treated fairly; they were laughed at as academics for believing in superstition.

The biologist who argues, despite all evidence to the contrary, that leprechauns are real would be laughed at. He would be ridiculed out of any legitimate conference. Why is intelligent design somehow worthy of merit, despite its basis in myth and superstition? If belief in intelligent design is accepted as science, we may as well begin teaching classes on dragons, proposing theories about the evolution of unicorns, and offering majors in Chupacabra Studies.

So, for those of you fooled by Stein’s documentary, just keep in mind what a theory is in science. Don’t accept this unfalsifiable nonsense as fact, for there is no intelligence in intelligent design. See it for what it is: superstition masquerading as biology.

At what point did liberal become a four-letter word in the United States of America? It seems strange to me that a country founded on its revolutionary ideals - a country which inspired much of the world to free itself from the bonds of British imperialism - could nurse a spirit of modern conservatism to the extent that it has almost become an insult to call people a liberal.

With the Presidential Push trudging along longer than any political season I’ve ever followed as a political pundit, I’ve been forced to listen to the conservative talking heads quite a bit, and I’ve noticed something. There are three words which, in the eyes of Rush And His Parrots, are perhaps the dirtiest, slimiest descriptors of human beings: communist, Muslim, and liberal.

Now, the first two, I can at least see where the animosity comes from. Our country was attacked by Muslim terrorists, and we were in a Cold War with communism for decades. Liberals, however, were the very founding fathers we so revere in American History classes. Don’t believe me? Let’s define some terms.

Liberal vs. Conservative
liberal (lib’er al, lib’rel), adj. 1. favorable to progress or reform, as in political or religious affairs. 2. designating or pertaining to a political party advocating measures of progressive political reform. 3. pertaining to, based on, or having views or policies advocating individual freedom of action and expression. 4. of or pertaining to representational forms of government rather than aristocracies and monarchies. 5. free from prejudice and bigotry; tolerant. 6. free of or not bound by traditional or conventional ideas, values, etc.; open-minded. 7. characterized by generosity and willingness to give in large amounts.

conservative (ken sur’ve tiv), adj. 1. disposed to preserve existing conditions, institutions, etc., or to restore traditional ones, and to limit change.

Positive thinking and generosity a bad thing?
These are from Webster’s, and I think that’s a reliable enough source to focus my thesis sufficiently. I suppose I can understand disagreeing with current liberal politicians’ policies if you think the current system, unchanged and uncriticized, is okay. However, to use the word ‘liberal’ as if it is a bad thing goes against the very definition of the term if you don’t think everything is working right.

I don’t even know how to make this point clearer than the definition already has. “Favorable to progress or reform” certainly seems like a good trait in a politician or a person, if you don’t believe our government is functioning at its maximum capacity. I’m personally a big fan and advocate of “individual freedom of action and expression,” and I like to think I am “free from prejudice and bigotry.” Where does any of this become a bad thing?

Liberal as the American ideal
It seems to me, reading that definition, Webster could replace the entire liberal entry with a much more concise definition: one who believes in the American ideal. What could be more American than believing in a society free of bigotry; a government that is run by the people instead of a monarch; and a government which is favorable to progress and reform? So, no longer be afraid to self-identify as a liberal, all you real Americans. Don’t let the conservatives fool you. America was once the most liberal nation on Earth, and that’s what made the rest of the world emulate us. If the Adams cousins and John Hancock had been conservatives, we’d still be paying tea taxes to England.

That’s it. I can’t take it anymore. Every year there’s a fresh outcry about the seal hunt. And every year the same old bullshit arguments get dragged up.

1st Bullshit Argument: The seal hunt is barbaric.

There are four approved methods of slaughtering livestock in the US:

1. asphyxiation (you know, take away their oxygen)
2. Captive Bolt (i.e., whack ‘em in the head to knock the animal unconscious before you slice and dice it)
3. Gunshot to the head
4. Electrical (the black wire is positive, the red wire is negative).

How exactly is having your skull smashed by a club any more “barbaric” then any of these? I understand if you’re a vegetarian, and you’re against the slaughter of any animal, but if you’ve had a burger in the past year, you can shut the fuck up right now.

2nd Bullshit Argument: It’s wrong to kill animals for their fur

Well first off, people eat seal. Just because YOU don’t eat seal, doesn’t mean there isn’t a market for seal meat. Second, if you’re mad about fur, take it up with fashion designers and the people who wear the fur and leave the seal hunters out of it. And if you own any fur, you can definitely shut the fuck up.

3rd Bullshit Argument: They’re Killing BABIES!!!

No, they aren’t. That’s illegal. But the animal rights groups have been feeding you a pack of lies about seal pups being slaughtered. But you ever wonder why there are so many chickens and so few roosters? What exactly do you think happens to the male chicks? Think blender. So if you’ve had eggs in the last year, you can shut the fuck up.

Conclusion

Let me why there is such outcry about the seal hunt:
1) Seals are cute
2) Blood on snow looks dramatic
3) People have come to believe that their food comes from factories.

I’ve got news for you. If it’s good to eat, it used to be alive, and someone killed it. That’s how nature works. Up until the day they die, seals live a normal life. That’s more than you can say for the dairy cow, who spends its life locked in a cell with some of its tits hacked off so it fits the milking machine, or the steer that has it nuts lopped off so its meat will be a little more tender.

If you have a problem with the seal hunt, why don’t you wag your finger at yourself first, leave ruining someone else’s livelihood for tomorrow.